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If Leslie Knope Wrote Headlines for The DePaulia

Everyone has thought about what it would be like to live in their favorite sitcom. What would it be like if Michael Scott was really your boss? What if you were the sixth member of Friends instead of Monica (who is OBVIOUSLY the worst character). This is what it would be like if Leslie Knope wrote the attention grabbers for The DePaulia. 

Blue Demons get Blue Balls After Investment in Wintrust Falls:
If for some reason you are not aware of how well Loyola’s basketball team did this year, they did friggin’ awesome. But because we live in a competitive, capitalist, life-sucking society, we can’t just be happy for them, we must despise them! And then compare them to how our basketball team did. DePaul believed that investing in the Wintrust Arena would help us win games. That’s like saying a declining business would do better if they just adjusted the desk layout, instead of making a change in the higher ups.

DePaul Hall Crawl Helps Students Find Places to Live in the Fall:
Do you like have strangers in your apartment? What about making small talk with people you will never see again? Want to feel like people are judging your lifestyle as they find every miniscule thing wrong with your place of living? Sign up for the Hall Crawl and let those pretentious folks in. Did we mention you’ll get a free goodie bag to make all the anxiety and binge cleaning worth it?

Baes at The Ray Have a Fun Day On Valentines Day: 
Couples’ workout classes at The Ray on Feb. 14. 

DePaul Activists Rest after Protest of an Unjust Arrest:
DePaul activist were protesting an unfair arrest of a woman walking around without a shirt. The group of student protesters successfully got the attention of the public and police officials. Then promptly went to the house of Lee Holden, the organizer of the rally, for a group nap, they had stayed up very late creating clever chants and posters. After an emotionally taxing day everyone was ready to sleep.

Beware! Bathroom Stall in Monroe Hall has Jizz on the Wall Because of Sex Doll:
RAs have stated that there was an ungodly amount of semen in a restroom in Monroe Hall. We are keeping the name of the student responsible for this sticky situation anonymous for privacy reasons. Apparently the roommate of Jack the Jizz-Off became concerned when he locked himself in the bathroom for three hours. The roommate also noted that he had brought a sex doll into the washroom as well as a condom. It’s not clear what the condom was used for, since it was clearly not used to contain the penis.

It’s clear that Leslie would do a fantastic job working for The DePaulia. She already got her degree, so let’s get her to teach. DePaul could use some of her spirit around here, it was starting to get a little sad.

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