In this latest hard-hitting investigative series, Life After DePaul, we set out to see how well our beloved university equips its denizens for survival in the big bad world. This installment follows one of DePaul’s infamous sadbois, Tyler Bougoilee, as he wanders from the hazy womb of the smoker’s steps to the dangerous, unpredictable world of his childhood home.
According to Tyler and his friends, Tyler got along just fine at DePaul. He had plenty of friends among his fellow sadbois, with whom he could regale with his masterfully intelligent film analysis or bum a cig off of. His mysterious choice to leave DePaul, only four quarters before graduation confounds us all.
“Tyler was great, man,” said Jacob Carmichael, a sadboi currently found squatting with his friends in the cancer-inducing clouds of smoke in front of the Levan Center, choking his way through a whole box of American Spirits. “He always was quick with a joke or to tell a girl she wasn’t a liberated, progressive feminist unless she slept with him. His favorite movie was Pulp Fiction. It’s all of our favorite movie. I sure hope he’s doing okay out there.”
We reached out to Tyler for his side of the story. He wore a pair of skinny jeans, a denim jacket, and thick glasses. His arms were covered with tattoos he probably thought were artsy and refined (they were super basic), and his curly hair was covered by a, we don’t know, quirky hat or something.
“I loved DePaul,” Tyler said. “I had a great time there. I could ride my penny board around campus and the professors would always let me raise my hand in the middle of a lecture to somehow turn a question about the subject matter into a five-minute interlude about myself. It was a really good fit.”
But now, Tyler is confined to an entirely different environment. “Yeah, I guess I’m roughing it at my parent’s house,” he admitted. “My dad’s such as ass, sometimes he asks me where I’m going or when I’ll be home. It’s pretty harsh. And they only give me like $50 bucks when I ask for money, ugh.”
Indeed, sometimes Tyler’s mother has the nerve to ask him to unload the dishwasher or do his own laundry. His brutal mistreatment at the hands of the real world should serve a lesson for DePaul students everywhere.
Fortunately, Tyler sees the end of these bleak times approaching. His parents are using some of their considerable wealth to help their artistic, gifted son found his own CRAFT MEADERY. That’s right readers: this twisted loner of an upper-class kid with no degree is going to be giving back to his community through overpriced, disgusting alcohol. Truly, a happy ending in the messed up story of this broken child.
While we can’t say for certain what would have happened if Tyler had finished school, this is a wonderful case study for all of you bums who have rich parents. There’s no need to worry about life after graduation, just move back home and ask your parents to help you open a craft brewery!
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