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How To Read Between the Often Cryptic Lines of DePaul Tinder Bios

The days of courting and connecting are about as ancient as Catholicism itself. Luckily, the Catholic university has taught its students to be resourceful, innovative, and above all…slick as fuck. Our generation doesn’t have to put in actual legwork to pick someone up, all we need is Tinder, where you can hide behind the hands of technology and handpick your preferred mate. But just because it’s convenient doesn’t mean it doesn’t take skill. Luckily, DePaul has many fine eligible bachelors like these ones to choose from.

6.) Cool, Calm, and Casual:

“Not looking for anything serious. Just looking for fun. Too busy with school, work, and gym.”

This guy is great. With this description, he’s asserting that he’s forward, honest, and doesn’t have any time for anyone but himself. He’s going to school at DePaul so he must be super smart, he works, so he can definitely buy you that good good, and he goes to the gym…so he must be totally RIPPED. Above all, he’s just really fucking cool. Who wouldn’t get in the sack for this dude? Take notes!

5.) The Humble Bumble:

“Because I’m not cool enough for Bumble. Whiskey, wine, food, and fitness. Musician at heart, unfortunately, music doesn’t pay very well, so computer science it is.”

This bio, says, “I’m down to earth, and also filled with a lot of self-doubt.” Honestly, in this day and age, who wants someone who’s confident? That would be way too intimidating. Everyone loves to be with someone who they know won’t surpass them. This also screams “I gave up on my dreams, but it’s cool.” Who actually follows their dreams anymore? Security gets you laid. Not ambition!

4.) Tasteful:

“Won’t ask for nudes, or your money back guaranteed.”

This is just downright brilliant! If one is on Tinder, they already have pretty low expectations of who they let bone them. They’re likely expecting the worst of the worst. In this example, this dude guarantees that he is ~not like other boys~ he won’t even ask for nudes. Wow, gentlemen really do exist. He is even holding himself to a financial incentive!

3.) Film Buff Banger:

“Ah. Hello. My favorite movie is the great American satire Robocop. My second favorite movie is the other great American satire Josie and the Pussycats.”

Everyone knows that DePaul film majors like to pretend they get the most tail. Who doesn’t want to get freaky with a true “intellectual”? This sentiment definitely implies that you’re a “film buff,” or just think you have a really funny niche sense of humor. Nothing is sexier than talking about movies that no one has ever heard of before. It sets you apart, makes you different, and that’s why everyone’s down to get down with the film buff banger.

2.) Simple Sam

*Blank Bio*

Many people in the world of online dating try way to hard to prove themselves. It’s 2017, no one cares about effort. With this intricate bio, you’re definitely proving that you’re a DePaul student on Tinder. You’re also creating an immense level of mystery around yourself. You could have said literally anything… but you said nothing… something about that is just utterly beautiful and poetic, and a little creepy. You’re really making a statement with this bio.

1.) The Used Car Salesman:

“Has all the intangibles, frequently wins raffles & drawings, trained with samurai, will sue anyone you want.”

This is by far the best way to have success on Tinder. Just simply list the most impressive shit about yourself and hope someone is foolish enough to find you impressive. If you’re having trouble, think of anything interesting you have to offer the world, just list anything. As this man discussed his “winning of raffles,” you can equivocate this by saying something like, “Frequently wins words with friends while on the toilet.” Multitasking is a marketable skill.

By using any of these clever Tinder bios you are really setting yourself up for success. And at the end of the day, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s Tinder, which means you’ve already hit rock bottom and you’ve got nothing to lose. 

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