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Top 10 DePaul Finals Stress Relievers that Aren’t Masturbating

 

Professors get a sick and twisted high off of assigning final papers and projects, often all on the same day, that are just way too damn hard. How are you expected to stay sane during these harsh times? There are only so many wads of hair you can pull out of your head before you go bald, so here are 10 of the best ways to relieve your unbearable stress during finals week — besides masturbating, because this is a Catholic school, you heathen.

10.) Rail a line of Adderall between bookcases in the library:
This is a lot of people’s go-to solution for relieving their finals stress. Just buy a pill off of someone who actually takes it for medical reasons, and use it for yourself to take the edge off. Next thing you know it’ll be July and you’ll be on the beach somehow. Fun!

9.) Get lost in the SAC:
The odd layout of this structure makes it an ideal destination for anyone looking for a fun exploratory reprieve while studying for the LSP 121 final you’re doomed to fail. Just get lost and fill those lungs with asbestos, and soon you won’t need to worry about anything at all. Because you’ll be dead!

8.) Join a rally in the Quad:
Is this ever not an option? Be useful for a change, and go stand up for something you think you should believe in (in the name of procrastination). Every bleeding heart Blue Demon needs to make their young voice heard! We can change the world, maybe!

7.) Go to a DePaul Men’s Basketball game:
A DePaul Men’s Basketball game is a perfect place to get some peace and quiet before or after a long exam. It’s a nice, calm place to sit in darkness and witness failure first hand, so you can take your own shortcomings.

6.) Cry really really hard:
Sometimes crying is the best pain reliever. Give yourself a little bit of a breakdown and lose your shit for a second. Find a nice secluded spot in the Quad and just let it all out. Pro-tip: Do this while staring into a mirror in a Stu bathroom — rumor has it St. Vinny will appear behind you with a fistful of Adderall.

5.) Go streaking On the Quad:
Shed the weight of finals and the weight of your clothes by going for a refreshing naked jog in the Quad. When people ask if you’re having a mental breakdown just laugh and quell their concerns by saying “It’s fine! I’m fine! Everything’s fine! Just relieving some stress!!!!!”

4.) Steal something:
We all live by Vincentian values at DePaul, but sometimes a tiny adrenaline rush is all someone needs to get through finals week. Pick something small but with enough value for it to be a little bit of a risk. You know, something that really gets your blood flowing like a stapler from an academic office or a fake human skull from the anthropology lab.

3.) Sit at a window in Arts & Letters and contemplate a career in waste disposal:
Stop looking into grad school applications and realize your true potential. You’re not going to pass that final you’re studying for, so let’s consider some realistic options here. Garbage workers make decent money, and DePaul’s pretty trashy, so you’ll always be needed!

2.) Frantically look to see if it’s too late to switch to pass/fail:
The deadline to switch your class from a regular graded class to pass/fail has already come and gone. However, when taking a study break it’s always fun to double check and see if God is really watching out for you even though he’s probably not because the newly elected DePaul President is not a priest.

1.) Press all of the buttons on one or more of the elevators in the DePaul Center:
Let’s face it, you secretly loathe everyone around you. People are always just getting on your nerves. Finals are a great time to take out that frustration on people. Pull this prank in a couple of the elevators in the DePaul Center 5 minutes before an exam time, and watch the pandemonium ensue.

Finals week is rough on all of us, so resort to as many or as little stress relievers as necessary. Refrain from feverishly masturbating in public bathrooms and let go of your roommate’s neck. Tom Brady has a fifth ring and a faithless heathen is running the show now, so do anything you possibly can to chill during finals and forget about how God has completely turned his back on us.

 

Get ya spring break darty shirt before it’s too late!

 

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