It’s summer in Chicago, which means millions of locals and tourists are stumbling on the Blue Line drunker than the guy standing in the corner who thinks it’s okay to light up a cig. Drunk people means drunk food, so our city correspondent Stefon clued us in on the best places to eat this summer.
5.) Ayyyy, Jimmy did I sees you sharin’ a meatball with Theresa the other day?:
Chicago’s hottest spot for Italian beef is called “Ayyyy Jimmy, did I sees you sharin’ a meatball with Theresa the other day?” It’s kind of like Al’s Beef, but with more sailors singing karaoke who just got kicked out of Harrigan’s. Located on the fifth Red Line car at Grand and Chicago, you can order your sandwich “extra beefy.” That’s when a homeless man coughs on it, shouts “Margaret, no!” then swirls it around the wet seat next to him for that extra ‘au jus’.
4.) My Leg is Bleeding:
If sandwiches aren’t really your thing, then check out “My Leg is Bleeding.” This place has everything. Live fish, dead fish, a laser show projected from Kris Bryant’s eyes that starts at 9:30 every night, and pigeons covered in giardiniera. Their specialty is a Chicago style hot dog. That’s when Anthony Bourdain does eight somersaults in Lake Michigan, throws up onto the heating lamps at the Fullerton Red Line stop, then pulls a hot dog out of his pocket and blows his nose into the bun.
3.) No! The Goat’s Getting Away Again:
If you’re looking for Chicago style pizza cheesier than your southern grandma’s excuse for racism, then No! The Goat’s Getting Away Again! is the spot for you. From Curses, a 13-year girl who’s anxious about her bat mitzvah, to the guy in the back doing stick and poke tattoos of kiwi birds, it’s the perfect place to bring your visiting cousins. If the line is long, whisper an expired Sprig promo into bouncer Kelsey Grammer’s ear and he’ll give you coupon for a free slice of vegan beef pizza.
If you’re some drunk Chicagoan just looking to just die, then Ummmm? is the place for you. Yesss yess yess yesss. The doorman here is a feral cat from Chinatown who whistles “Smooth Criminal” to everyone over 5 ft. tall. Located behind the dumpster at Lemming’s, the vibe in here is familiar like the seventh month in your mother’s womb. Here, you can order a human coffee table, which is that thing where two Sox fans spit Malort into your ears, then smash an heirloom vase over your head.
1.) Lou Malnato’s:
Located in one of those abandoned warehouses you Uber past on your way to The Hideout, Lou Malnoto’s is the number one spot to see someone wearing the cardigan from Brown Elephant, eating a gizmo. That’s when Lou, Lou Malnati’s cousin, sits alone in the warehouse and lodges his thumb up his asshole so far you’d think he laid eggs. Then, he just yells the name of every White Sox player and how much their monthly mortgage payment is. It’s best to bring a headband.
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