How To ~Play It Cool~ When You See a Dog In Lincoln Park
Cats may control the Internet, but it’s pretty safe to say dogs control our hearts. Dogs are carefree, loyal and loving towards pretty much everyone they meet—ergo, the DePaul College Republican’s mortal enemy. Those furry little bastards are the only living things on the face of this planet that will ever love you as much as it loves itself. As a result, DePaul students find it almost impossible to handle our collective shit when we see them in public. Here’s a list of things to absolutely NOT do when you see man’s best friend on campus or anywhere else in Lincoln Park, lest you look uncool in front of the greatest creatures on the planet.
Frequent the Wiggly Field Dog Park Without a Dog:
This is very creepy. Going to a dog park without a dog is similar to a childless person hanging around a daycare. It’s unnatural and scares everyone. Enjoy it like everyone else does: by briefly passing over it while on the Red Line.
Smile Awkwardly At It As You Walk By:
Try your hardest to not smile longingly at the oblivious tail-wagger as you walk on by. It’s still just a dog; it won’t understand why a human is giving it love and attention just to walk away. Save yourself, and (more importantly) the dog, some heartbreak and continue on with your joyless life.
Show It Too Much Affection:
If you were “That Person” and stopped a stranger in the middle of their day to pet their dog, do NOT overstay your welcome. Dogs can be many things: cute, fluffy, docile, they may even actually be into you. However, this does not make it okay to stop someone in the middle of their morning jog to grope their dog at the corner of Sheffield and Fullerton. Have some respect for a doggo’s “me time.”
Ask Them About the Cubs:
Walk Past It With Your Bag of Stu Food:
A member of a species notorious for eating its own excrement will go wild at the smell of your hamburger and mozzarella sticks from Ranch. If you’re walking down the street with your freshly defrosted dinner, take another route if a dog walks your way. Otherwise, it’ll go into a mad frenzy trying to grab even a single stray curly fry.
Drop Out and Apply to PetCo:
The only upside to this drastic decision is that it will bring you just a little bit closer to Lincoln Park’s doggo population. However, you’ll regret your decision immediately once you realize your job entails handling snakes and getting attached to animals ready for adoption.
Angrily Stop Feeding Your Cat:
Born to perpetually push things off high shelves, cats will never love us as unconditionally as our doggo compatriots. Still, this doesn’t make it ok to stop feeding your cat after this frustrating retaliation. After seeing a happy and carefree dog, coming home to a cold and loveless kitty can push almost anyone over the edge. Just try not to take it out on your feline friend.
Walking around campus and greater Lincoln Park area after day can get pretty monotonous and coming home to a cat that couldn’t care less about you can seem like cruel and unusual punishment after seeing a friendly doge. But seeing a dog walking obediently beside its human can break this monotony and bring a smile to almost any Blue Demon’s face. As a courtesy to other Chicago residents, please refrain from engaging in any of the aforementioned activities next time you’re strolling through your local dog friendly area.
Hey dummy, listen to our podcast!