Are you tired of having to make that long ass stride of pride, ’cause ain’t no shame in your game, all the way from West End to College Hill in the wee hours in the morning while wearing those tight ass high-waisted shorts you went out in last night? Does calling a friend to pick you up from 33 East at 9 a.m. after a fun night out get old after a while? Then we’ve got some tips for you. Sometimes avoiding hook ups are hard, but The Black Sheep is gonna help you out:
5.) Never Leave Your Room:
What do you need to leave your room for? Well, outside of going to class, everything else is pointless if there’s a chance someone might con you into hooking up with them. Just start stocking up on food now from West End’s market for your fridge because the last few days of the semester are gonna be stressful with exams and all coming up. Worried your friends might try to get you to come out? No problem, just tell them straight up that under no circumstances can you leave your room. Class? No problem, just have your professor let you Skype-in from home.
4.) Tinder? Forget About It!:
Go ahead and get rid of Tinder, Grindr, Her, OKC, and all those other damn apps you have, cause it’s time to be anti-social. You don’t want to have contact with anyone outside of your immediate family and close friends, which is probably like 5 people altogether. That cute person you sent a message to last week while in River’s Computer Lab won’t even notice that you’re gone; they didn’t even reply to you message anyway.
3.) Make it Clear You Don’t Want Anonymous Sex:
In the unfortunate case that you do have to go out because you ran out of food or toiletries, don’t forget to put on your “NO HOOK UPS” T-shirt. That’s right, to be absolutely sure that no one is going to try their hand at hooking up with you, while you walk to either end of Dowdy Student Store and West End Market, you MUST wear the shirt at all times outside of the room, or just always wear it; never take it off.
2.) Just Get Rid of Your Phone:
Toss that sucker right out.
Honestly you wanna try to be as low-key as possible. To contact family and close friends we suggest using letters or messenger birds (in case it’s urgent), or if you really wanna get primitive, chisel your message into a rock using a cryptic language and throw it out of your window and hope that whomever it’s to, finds it.
1.) Avoid All Eye Contact:
Again, in the unfortunate event that you might have to leave your room, along with wearing your shirt you should avoid all eye contact. Try your best to look as spooky as possible. No one that’s looking to hook up is gonna make a move on somebody scary looking, stumbling all up and down the Brickyard.
We hope that these tips help you dodge all those frauds out there trying to hook up with you, and don’t forget to get your t-shirt!