As you finish up your sophomore year (or senior year, for the more The Black Sheep type), you’re likely still struggling to declare an actual major. You’ve gotten the snooty email from the undergraduate advisor, or even more ball-shriveling and terrifying, the confidential message from the Registrar’s Office. Here is the best advice The Black Sheep has to offer when the nervous sweats happen as the year comes to a close and you’ve no idea what to do.
The most reasonable thing to do is cause a diversion with your undergraduate advisor as a means to distract her from sending you snide messages about declaring a major. The next advisor meeting you schedule, walk in and distract her. Diversions can range from throwing up all over the floor to exemplify your dire need of Student Health Services, to walking in belligerent, red-faced, and flipping her desk over while you scream about your childhood. She will take pity on you either way and kindly call security to escort you out the building. By the time she’s finished, she’ll have forgotten about asking about what major you want. Score.
Tell the security guards before they take you out, though, that you must assist your advisor to the bathroom. You need to return to her good graces, and helping her clean your bile off her is a great foot in the door. Clear the bathroom to give her some space, followed by turning on all the faucets not only to set up a bigger diversion, but also to provide some steamy comfort as she hopes she avoided any transferred disease from your excrement.
While she’s cleaning herself off, you need to sneak out. This is why the faucets are on. You can do the honest thing and stay with her while she wipes away the sadness, or you could be a Spartan, go for the win, and change your transcript by entering good grades in classes from the major of your choice. Wait until she starts wiping off her glasses, and quickly bolt, calmly shutting and barricading the door behind you.
After you return to her office, take a seat at her computer, where your transcript was innocently left up on the screen. Navigate the decrepit internet “MSU 2.0” and enter newer, improved grades for yourself. Go crazy; you have all the freedom in the world! We advise some cushy, easy job, like in the engineering field. Enter grades for all the prerequisites you need, as well as a few fun electives just to lie and say you had fun in college. Feel free to enter as high as you want; entering a 4.0 or 5.0 may seem a tad sketch for every grade though, so give yourself a couple of 3.5s. Be kind of humble, bro.
At this point, only one thing separates you from graduating in a month. Find the field on the screen of graduation status, and enter, “To Graduate.” Call your parents and alert them of all the fortunate events that just occurred. They’d be proud of the hard work you put in for roughly fifteen minutes. Enjoy, smarty pants, and congrats on walking on that stage. Don’t trip!