Steve Bannon Mitigates Depression by Consuming Carton of Children’s Souls

author-pic at East Carolina University  

Stephen K. Bannon has been banned of his White House duties as chief strategist as of Friday, August 18th. In order to avoid falling into a dark pit of depression and despair, he has done the only thing he knew how to do: consume a carton of children’s souls.

“He came here in a panic.” Said Satan’s Super Saver clerk Brett Welson. “He seemed distraught and desperate, so I sent him down to aisle twelve where we keep the children’s souls in the freezer. Poor guy.”

Bannon intended on filling himself with even more death, if at all possible, to try and cushion this blow. Finding comfort in the pain and suffering of others has been noted by many experts as a sign of a horrible person.   

A fellow SSS shopper witnessed Bannon browsing the child soul selections this morning. “Yeah, he was giving off a real dark energy, man. His aura was all black and you could just tell the guy had some inner demons. Which, is like, pretty cool. Are the dead baby heads in aisle 3 or 4?”

Bannon himself admitted to the solace he finds within the darkness. “From a young age, I’ve been taught to project all my negative energy onto people that can’t defend themselves. Now that I don’t have the president under my thumb, all I have left are these souls that scream when I chew.”

Will feeding off these souls help Bannon from spiraling even further than he has already spiraled in his life? Without a job, without a soul of his own, no one knows what will become of Bannon’s future.