Darty season is in full bloom, out come the tank tops, sundress and booty shorts…but please, leave your flower headbands at home where they belong. You will see all types of girls at these darties because ratchet is way easier to spot in broad daylight. Let us walk you through the five types of girls that you will most definitely run into.
The girl that thinks she’s at Coachella:
She’s the one who forgot to leave her flower headband at home. Rocking some sort of flowy dress, she might even go through the trouble of pasting a glitter tattoo on her arm. She claims to be a “hippie” but she probably enjoys Beyoncé more than The Grateful Dead.
The girl who should have stayed at the pregame:
This bitch is wayyy too drunk to be at the darty and her friends should’ve left her the fuck home. She is falling all over the place and can barely stand on her own two feet. She might be able to get away with this ratchet behavior at a bar, but in broad daylight, it’s a little much. Nobody wants to see your panties as you take a tumble down a grassy hill, none the less try to pick you back up.
The girl who is a f****** psycho:
She’s probably yelling at some boy she hooked up with 5 weeks ago, then running and crying about it to all her friends/anyone who will listen. She’s probably asked her friends if they are mad at her a dozen times, while mascara streams down her face and she secretly sends 1,000 texts to the guy standing 3 feet away from her.
The girl who has a boyfriend:
Imagine a leash, this girl is holding one end of it and her boyfriend is on the other end. This girl doesn’t let her boyfriend leave her sight, she watches him like a creep anywhere he goes. He tells her “Honey I need to go to the bathroom,” and she responds “you can fucking wait, or we can together.” No one likes this girl besides maybe her boyfriend, but that’s mostly Stockholm syndrome taking over.
The girl who’s just here for the pics:
This girl knew what her Instagram caption was last night and she’s focused on getting the perfect picture — maybe a little beer-in-the-foreground friend-looking-cute-with-sunset-in-the-background action? Totes. She’s broadcasting a god awful Snapchat story that’s about 140 seconds too long; 139 of those seconds being her face.
In the end though if you’re actually judging all these girls at the darty, you yourself are just a little too bitter and sexually frustrated sober. So drink until you think that girl with the flower headband is fucking awesome. Drink until you decide, right there in the middle of it all, is the time to cut off the controlling girlfriend. Drink until hooking up with the psycho girl seems like a good idea. Okay, maybe not the last one, but certainly darty away because there is only one more week until dartying turns into drinking two Heinekens on the back porch with your parents.