Welcome back! In case you forgot over break, college is big and scary and cold and too much work. But, it’s full of other procrastinating adults, adjunct faculty members, and possibly your future fiancé. Who knows what college will bring you this semester? It’s a fresh start! No one knows that’s your puke frozen outside Blarney’s besides Blarney himself. Beyond that, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has some tips on how to survive your first back.
6.) Wake Up:
You won’t get anywhere if you don’t get your ass out of bed. Simple as that. Set up 78 alarms to remind you that you have an 8 a.m. class. Do you want to go? Absolutely not. But you need to make a good first impression — it’s the first day! Your Budweiser shirt and pajamas will do. If that doesn’t work – have your roommate or mother shower you with Monster Energy Drinks until you get woke.
5.) Befriend a Theatre Major:
You need some extracurriculars, you lazy s.o.b., so head over to the Fine Arts Instructional Center and just start singing something from Hamilton. Someone somewhere in that building will hear you from afar and befriend you. Theatre kids are welcoming and accepting of you no matter what you look like. Show Professor Cobb your stuff, you over confident bastard.
4.) Bring a Microwavable Lunch:
Talking by the microwave in the Student Center next to the untoasted bagels is where relationships truly blossom. Whether you brought steamed stir fry or are just microwaving some aluminum to see what happens, you’ll surely make a friend.
3.) Protest in Hurley Hall:
With Donald Trump’s inauguration fast approaching, swipe your student ID and head into Hurley Hall to protest. Let your fellow students know that you are attending a LIBERAL college. You won’t be a victim of misogyny, the patriarchy, or poorly cooked food (which you are sure to find in Hurley). If the students in Hurley aren’t suffering from food poisoning someone will join you in your fight against political fascism.
2.) Sleep with Your R.A.:
If you’ve got another semester of floor meetings and general apathy towards your living space, don’t worry. Sweet talk your RA and try to sleep with them. There is a 95% chance it won’t work, but it doesn’t hurt to try. Ease them into it with shit talk about UCONN and questions about Blarney’s, and soon YOU’LL be the RA! That’s how that works, we’re pretty sure.
1.) Attend Your Damn Classes:
The best way to meet new people is to attend classes. Sure, rebelling on the first day sounds fucking exhilarating but you will not meet anyone in the process. Plus, you or your parents are paying for you to attend. Do not disappoint them or yourself more so than you already may. Save that for your Sophomore slump.