Alright soldiers, as finals approach it is time to quit the pleasantries and platitudes of common courtesy and charge in for full-fledged bloody battle on the grounds of of ECSU’s premier study spot: J Eugene Smith Library. Are you ready to keep up with your temper? Ass-kick with an axe kick of passive aggression? If so, then in the words of Winston Churchill or my friend Mara, “We gotchu, boo-boo.”
Step 1 — Act Innocent:
The wild ways of college warfare will alter your clarity until you are able to drown it all away in bottle of cheap liquor and a pretty poly-sci major, but before then it is best to enter the loaded library halls with the belief that you are guilt-free and not up to any foul play. Because after all, you aren’t. You’re just sitting there doing work… obviously.
Step 2 — Stake Your Territory:
Once you’ve polished your halo in front of the front desk, stake out your territory. A nice, quiet place will work out just perfectly. Ensure that there aren’t too many people around as to outnumber you, but just enough to provoke once unfettered.
Step 3 — Appear to do Work:
You’ll need proof that you’re there for reasons beyond pestering for your sick, twisted amusement if someone confronts you.
Step 4 — Initiate Annoyance:
Now is the time, comrades, to take out that crinkly noisy container of an equally raucous food, like granola or cheese puffs or an apple, and pile it away between heavy hits to the spacebar. To quench your new and overpowering thirst, don’t forget that you packed your trusty old water bottle with a “snap” lid. Go ahead, fish for it out of your backpack, but draw it out. Oops! Not in this pocket, must be in the other. Zip. Unzip. You get it.
Step 5 — Crank It Up:
If you happened to have forgotten or lost your artillery, don’t fret yet, amateur. You’ve still got options. Get to a computer. The mouse is your key weapon. Have fun with it. Click to a beat, your favorite song, incorporate the keyboard, just as long as it’s continuous and vexing. In dire situations, remember to breathe. Yeah, breathe. Very laboriously. In and out, bud. If the person next to you has gone far enough down the finals spiral, then a few yawns or sighs will surely suffice in your kamikaze conquest.
“Dogs look up to you, cats look down on you. Give me a pig! He looks you in the eye and treats you as an equal.”- Winston Churchill/my friend Mara.
Is your bathroom a crime scene after a night of drinking? You’ve got the D.A.D.S.