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Eastern Connecticut State University

ECSU Majors Renamed for What They Really Mean

Have you ever looked at the lengthy list of majors offered here at ECSU and got completely lost in the void of words and descriptions that serve no true meaning? We’ve all been there, and The Black Sheep is here to help you decide which one you should waste your time on over the next six years while you’re getting shwasted every other night.

Geology — Thought This Was A Class About The Rock:
After following The Rock on Instagram, seeing him shout out random folks like yourself, geology majors convinced themselves this major would be their way to superstardom. Unfortunately though – this is Eastern Connecticut and you’re studying rocks. But if you’re dumb enough to think this class was about Dwayne Johnson then you’re dumb enough to stare at rocks the rest of your life. 

Theatre — “Please Pay Attention to Us”:
Despite popular belief, you don’t need to be the President of the United States to be a narcissist. All you need is a theatre degree! With a theatre degree from ECSU you will surround yourself with overly enthused yet realistically cynical theatre geeks that take Lin-Manuel Miranda’s word as gospel while also wishing for the death of Hamilton’s popularity. If that doesn’t tickle your tail feather – the DRAMA within the department will. 

Environmental Earth Science — Please Save the EPA: 
Do you have hopes of preventing the Environmental Protection Agency from getting cut? Well that’s cute. This degree won’t help a damn. Just like others who wish to not die in 5 years thanks to climate change you’ll just be another voice screaming into the void as we all hurtle towards death by flood/storm/famine. The effort is appreciated though!

English — I Like Books So… Yeah: 
English majors came into ECSU thinking they like to read, English majors read, it’s a match made in heaven right! Wrong. Reading is work now, and everyone just sulks like a sad boi wishing they had never fallen in love with J.D. Salinger. But hey, you can always procrastinate by speaking generic rhetorical circles to the cute TAs, hoping to curb their shared apathy for the Oxford comma.

Physical Education — Slightly Better Future Than Fast Food: 
Well, you still may end up working at a fast food chain. But if you don’t – at least you get the pleasure of yelling at snot nosed meme obsessed pre-pubescent adolescents who probably will be held back a year or two. Harsh, but it helps knowing you can put a few permanent dents in their self-esteem before they grow up.

Health Science — More Screaming into The Void: 
No matter how you spin it no one is going to take your advice. Just because you’re fresh out of college with sparkling abs and teeth doesn’t mean anyone over 24 is going to want to exercise. Exercise is for youths and the weak. Stairs are simply an illusion and elevators are a way of life. Get used it to bub, this is America. 

Sure we all judge each other on our majors, but at the end of the day, we’ll all be in debt up to our eyeballs anyways, so what does it matter? 

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