5 Things to do at Eastern Before the Cold Kills Us All
It’s freezing bullocks outside wouldn’t you agree? Sure it hasn’t poured snow yet (very unusual for Connecticut, especially at this time of the year), but the battering winds have made us all want to dive for cover underneath the nearest, remotely warm alcove… basically nowhere. Let’s face it, there’s no hiding from this cold, and we’re all going to freeze to death by the time “real” winter rolls around. So that said, wouldn’t you rather spend your last days breathing doing something you utterly enjoy?
5.) Lay in the grass:
It’s kinda like a major back scratcher. Lay shirtless on your back, and just sort of wiggle around until you feel good and forget everything is going to be a frozen wasteland before you know it. Smell of the dirt, AKA the lavender of the ground, and all smells are going to be gone to frozen hell soon.
4.) Go shopping:
Ever heard of retail therapy? And since we’re all gonna freeze to death, we might as well just all go to our graves fashionably. Remember all that money you’ve been saving so you could pay back those friggin’ loans? Well today we say to you: fuck it. Take all those savings and blow it off. Period. And don’t you dare regret your outlandish spending, because there are no regrets when you’re frozen dead outside the Stu!
3.) Eat everything at Hurley:
Listen up folks, this is not the time to be selectively eating. Go to the goddam dining hall will you, and get you last warm meal ever. A pity we couldn’t all make it home to have grandma make the family a mini thanksgiving dinner for the very last time. But Hurley should suffice. Plug nose, close your eyes- do whatever you have to- but just eat the damn food.
2.) Stare longingly at the unfrozen koi pond:
Where do the koi fish go when their house freezes? Where do we go when our house freezes? Is anything going to survive this winter? Ponder these deep questions as winter creeps up behind you, killing everything in its path. Soon that
clear water is going to be a frozen pit of death, just like this campus.
1.) Elope to Cali:
We’ve all finally accepted our deaths. But if you’re still so unsure about it, you know, if you’re having second thoughts because you haven’t shagged all the people on you body-count bucket list, now would be a good time to cash in on your final resort. Run away. Run far away, where it’s warm, and the sun shines daily. But pray to the heavens that the people you plan to shag elope with you. Otherwise that would be quite a pain now…
Winter is quickly approaching, so soak up this global warming goodness while you still can. Lord knows Elsa isn’t going to cancel classes even if there’s 10 feet of snow on the ground, so get outside and roll around in the grass, because you’re going to be miserable and inside for the next 6 months.
WATCH: Have a bad case of D.A.D.S. but don’t know why? Hmmm….