With a little over three weeks left of the semester, FSU students are truly struggling to keep their shit together. Muffled cries echo throughout campus at night as tear-stained papers litter the brick walkways. Computers overheat and die in the midst of a final paper. Here are the ten things the suffering scholars at Florida State would rather do than endure the hell that is the last leg of the semester:
10.) Have A Conversation With The Preachers At The Union:
When these self-righteous, omnipresent dipshits stand in the designated free speech section of campus and spew hate that condemns us all to an eternity in hell, people get a little ticked. But if you think about it, it’s kind of a fun time compared to schoolwork.
9.) Break The Seal And Have To Use The Bathroom At Coli:
Let’s be real, here. Coli is constantly packed to the brim with people who haven’t showered in at least three days. The line to the bathroom is always a fifteen minute wait or longer, and the odds of finding a toilet that isn’t clogged are slim to none. Alas, we would still rather be there than studying for finals.
8.) Go The Third Floor of Stroz And Sit Next To People Who Are Having A Good Time:
That’s what the first floor is for. This isn’t a fucking game, people. You need at least a 104% on the exam to get a C in the class, so either invite people to join in on the gossip so they don’t have to do work, or get out of theis swamp.
7.) Get Trapped Behind A Tour Group:
The sun glistens off various brace faces and leaves innocent students momentarily blind. The sweet smell of desperation wafts through the air as kids eager to leave their parents sweat out their nerves. Helicopter mom’s tears stain legacy walk. Even this is more inviting than going to class.
6.) Move Back Into A Dorm:
Fifteen square feet of space and a creepy roommate who watches you while you sleep actually isn’t that alarming the more you think about it.
5.) Disappoint Mrs. Killings:
This woman is a damn saint. All she ever did was greet you with a cheery smile, give you hugs that would put your overbearing grandmother to shame, and tell you she loves you. But if making her cry will get you out of a two hour test at 7:30 a.m., do it.
4.) Kill Fireball Whiskers:
We are a generation obsessed with animals. Hell, you probably cried more when your nine-year-old rabbit died than you did when you lost you great grandpa. Regardless, we all know you would feed Fireball Whiskers a raw chicken wing covered in vodka if it meant leaving Tally early.
3.) Contract Gonorrhea From A Rando At White Trash Wednesday:
Gonorrhea is treatable. An F in organic chemistry is not. Go find yourself a ratchet looking coed and get to business.
2.) Break Deondre’s Arm:
September 17th. October 1st. October 29th. All are days in Seminole football history we can never get back. Louisville. North Carolina. Clemson. We couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. Our moms sent care packages that went unopened. All hope was, indeed, lost. And yet, those days almost seem like cotton-candy dreams compared to this.
1.) Transfer To UF:
This one is for the most extreme cases. Save this for the time you’re in really bad shape. When you have straight F’s and no chance of recovery coupled with zero motivation to even try. FSU’s worst student is still better than UF’s best.
If none of these things appeal to you, then we suggest picking yourself up, dusting your textbooks off, and getting to work. May is rapidly approaching and before you know it, you’ll be downing y-bombs on a beach with your deadbeat high school friends and wiping your memory of any useful information learned during the semester.
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