Look we get it. School can be hard, and if you don’t get whatever GPA you want, you fix it by drinking whatever alcohol you want. You go out and you hope to justify your bad grades with liquor. Then you, drunk off your ass, pay to get into a random stranger’s car and hope to get home safely.
5.) The excessive talker:
He doesn’t drive Ubers for money, he does it for friends. He has no one to talk to all day so once you step in his car, you’re his new best bud. He will talk and talk and talk your head off. The sad part is, when he drops you off, you won’t be able to leave because the doors are set to child lock so you’re pretty much stuck listening to this guy vent about the politics he learned from watching Facebook videos.
4.) The TMI guy:
This man is batshit crazy and he is not afraid to tell anybody anything. He is probably going to start conversation with a nice compliment about your shirt and say how he likes the color red. Then he will go off on a tangent about that one time he was in a gang and almost killed someone over by Whataburger for a pack of cigarettes. He makes you feel really uncomfortable with just his smile. But don’t be afraid because this guy is super nice and he gives free gum that has already been chewed for you!
3.) The student driver:
Chad is cool as shit, so of course you can drink in his mom’s Subaru. Talking to him about your GPA will make you feel so much better because guess what, he also failed college algebra……twice. He wasn’t trying to walk to HCB 3 days out the week either! Don’t look under seat because there is a 99% chance you’re going to get iced. This Uber ride is always great because you both listen to the same Spotify playlist. BOOM. Now you’re best friends, he just got rated five stars and you just gained a follower on Instagram.
2.) The family man:
You’ll probably call this guy sir when you meet him, just because his collared shirt and dad cap give that impression. But don’t be misled, this guy is super cool and friendly. You can cry about that once class you failed because you never showed up for the attendance points that you “didn’t know were a thing”. He doesn’t mind you drinking alcohol in his Ford Fiesta as long as you don’t spill it, because he wants to help you feel better, since he’s just a nice guy like that. Chances are he went to Florida State.
1.) The divorced Uber:
You can feel the tension as soon as you open the door. Everyone squeezes in the back, some of you are sitting on each other’s lap even though the front passenger seat is open. Anything is better than sitting next to this grouch. He doesn’t care about you or your shitty life, so he isn’t going to bother talking to you. Also, keep in mind that he isn’t going to play any music either, so it’s just going to be a long awkward car ride. He’s just really upset that his wife is leaving him, this poor guy has a miserable life and on top of that he’s an Uber driver. Chances are he went to Florida State.
After drinking the night away to forget about your terrible grades, you will need a ride home. No matter which Uber driver is waiting for you in the parking lot while you try to grasp reality and not draw attention from the cops, just remember that everything will be okay with your GPA. Grades don’t define who you are, so don’t let that stress you out! Bill gates dropped out of college, so you can too!
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