Drunken one-night stands with randos from Standard, awkward Tinder hook-ups with people who had dogs as their pictures–let’s face it, sex sometimes just isn’t as good as a red velvet cake with cream cheese donut from DKTally. Why waste time on weak sexual foreplay when you could get right to the main event? We’re talking a whole dozen of assorted donuts for only $9.99. These “O”-inducing sweets will suppress your burning urges better than any pubescent college student ever could, but admittedly, they might never be as sexy as those “O”s on game day. Here are the best desserts in the Kingdom that’ll always be in the War Chant’s shadow.
6.) Snickers Donut:
What’s the difference between a mini-Snickers and a small penis? Snickers satisfies. Although, if you want real satisfaction, crank the volume up and start choppin’, baby.
5.) Inappropriate capitol shapes shake:
This strawberry and pineapple milkshake might make your partner taste a little sweeter, but no one is fond of acid reflux. You know what doesn’t cause GERD? The War Chant.
4.) Caramel apple with nuts filled frosted donut:
When bobbing for apples, it’s always a surprise when you bust into a nut. Thankfully, this frosted, filled delight won’t give you anything except diabetes. Don’t worry, you can burn off all those calories while screaming and waving your arm back and forth during the War Chant.
3.) Strip “tease” shake:
No one likes a tease, and this Nutella shake will definitely grant you a good time, unlike fifth-year senior Steve who consistently fails to satisfy. The one man you can count on? Chief Osceola.
2.) Cinnamon old fashioned cake donut:
Tired of the same old missionary position? Sometimes being old fashioned just doesn’t work. Luckily, this does. So does FSU’s long-standing and beloved Tomahawk Chop.
1.) War Chant chop shake:
The name speaks for itself. This is 100% the best item on the menu. It’s a classic take on the Reese’s milkshake with a Seminole twist: DK adds some brownie to spice things up so you don’t have to in the bedroom.
If you’re still thinking banging a headboard against a wall is more appealing than these tasty treats then that’s a whole other problem you need to seek help for. One thing we can all agree on, though, is that nothing beats the sense of pride and unity felt during a good ole’ Florida State War Chant. Go sports! We love balls!
*This article is not sponsored by Donut Kingdom.
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