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6 People You Don’t Want to See Together on Your Snap Map at 3 a.m. in Tallahassee


Snap Map is both a cool and dangerous thing. On the one hand, you can stalk your loved ones and see what they’re doing without being weird upfront. But alternatively, you can see your fake two-timing friends hanging out without you or your lover going out with someone else (please come back to me, Alex). Here are a few people you don’t want to see together in the cesspool of bad decisions that is Tallanasty:

6.) James Blackman and Simone Biles at The Flying High Circus:

Like our football season, Deondre Francois is already out. The last thing we need is our new quarterback James Blackman getting injured. And where’s an easier place to get hurt than at a place designed to both thrill and hurt you? Not to mention if you’re there with an Olympic gymnast. Two competitive spirits on a playground for athletic prowess and 30-foot drops: a recipe for disaster.

5.) Your grandma and your big at The Strip:

You love your big, but Jenny is infamously unreliable and leaves you all the time during tequila-fueled sprints to hook up with Craig from her CGS class. There’s no way she can be trusted with sticking with your grandma who has the memory of a goldfish, in a place with so many rooms. Is this Yianni’s? Ken’s? Or did she find her way into TENN??

4.) Ms. Eva Killings by herself at UF:

This sweet woman is a campus-wide treasure here at FSU. She always makes sure to greet everyone with a wide smile and a “There you go, baby.” She has no reason to be at a scummy place like UF unless she was transferring to be their dining hall greeter. Wait… is she transferring?

3.) President Thrasher and a kid with diabetes at the Ice Cream Social:

The Ice Cream Social is a huge time for Thrasher and tired students alike, who take advantage of this event to forget about their troubles for a few and enjoy some ice cream. But what about the kids who can’t enjoy that cold treat? No doubt Thrasher would be offended that people aren’t participating in his social and ashamed he doesn’t have more options. Just give him some frozen baby carrots, it’s practically the same thing.

2.) Chief Osceola and Renegade at Taco Bell:

Having a horse at a Taco Bell is already a relatively bad idea, considering the mysterious sources of their meat. Is it cow? Is it rat? Is it Renegade’s cousin? We aren’t sure. WE AREN’T SURE.

1.) Your best friend and the hot philosophy TA at the Rez:

You’ve spent whole hours with her mulling over his new haircut and how your names would look together, but you just know she’s going to fake a cramp and have him rescue her, or conveniently get the canoe stranded in the mangroves. As Aristotle would say, not cool, Liz.

Snap Maps can tell you a lot more than you ever asked to know, which is why we recommend you go ghost so no one ever knows that you’ve secretly been hooking up someone from UF.

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