You know the one. We all have some Q’s for the dude who stands outside HCB all day long to yell his charming, homophobic antics. The Black Sheep is kindly stepping up and asking the burning FAQs we’re all dying to have answered. You’re welcome, turds.
7.) How many cough drops do you consume in a 24-hour period?
Man, that voice carries! It’s honestly a compliment, despite the questionable rhetoric you spill all over our beautiful campus like a drunk uncle violently knocking over his Ice House at Thanksgiving dinner. There’s no way this isn’t taking a toll on those voc-y chords though! We’d suggest reaching out to a cough drop company; you may just be able to become a sponsored screamer.
6.) Have you considered a strong whisper?
So you’ve got everyone’s attention, really. Now here’s an idea: what about a strong, confident whisper? Your whispering would be enticing. Everyone would want to know what you’re saying. The crowds would slowly form around you in an attempt to make out even one vile word you were saying. Once you’ve got them there though, you’ll have a problem. People generally don’t like being called floozies.
5.) What about a wardrobe change?
Listen, we get it, you’ve got a unique sense of style. But c’mon, let’s get you into a Pac Sun! Some board shorts and a dated Hurley shirt would really go a long way. The dudes hocking frisbees around Landis may even invite you over to smoke hookah and talk about the last episode of Rick and Morty. Now THAT’S an opportunity.
4.) Could you go to another campus?
We know this seems harsh, but we think our time together is through. We promise it’s not you, it’s us. There are tons of other fish-like universities in the sea, with people that are more open to you slut-shaming them or telling them they’re all going to burn in hell like the french fries at the bottom of a McDonald’s box. We just need to see other people.
3.) Paper or plastic?
While you normally can’t tell a lot about someone from this question, with the dude screaming outside of HCB, you can. If he’s a plastic guy, he clearly has no care in the world when it comes to recycling. A real-life dung head. But paper? Now this guy doesn’t give a flying frig! We bet he puts it over his head, cuts out little eye holes, and runs around giving everyone some spooks! Let’s hope it’s the latter.
2.) What did you major in at the University of Harassment?
Tons of options over there at U of H. We here at Florida State like to imagine you majored in something along the lines of “harassment management” or maybe “success in screaming”. To be honest, you could have also been a finance major and none of us would be surprised. You can never tell with those finance majors.
1.) Ok but really, could you go to another campus?
Please? Gainesville isn’t that far.
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