As acceptance letters begin to land on eager high schoolers’ doorsteps, the realization falls heavy that just one piece of paper can decide the fate of an awkward teenager for the next four years of their young lives. Billy Sanderson, a quiet boy from Buttfuck, Missouri, just went through this grueling process we all know so well.
His options: UF or FSU.
“Well, I was considering UF because I liked how their blue complemented the puke orange. But their girls look like the girls in my hometown of Buttfuck, and I only know one girl here who has a full set of teeth,” Bill said, running his fingers along his full set of surprisingly-straight teeth. “The FSU girls, on the other hand, are smokin’. But, it’s kind of intimidating…” he said, covering his pants tent and standing in front of his Dell computer with an FSU cheerleader as his wallpaper.
At this point Billy was still on the fence about his decision. Should he go to the school that is full of arrogant assholes or the school whose only flaw is that the girls may be too hot? For us, there’s no competition. FSU all the way.
But for little Billy these kind of life choices are tough.
Billy was running out of options, and our reporters telling him “Just go to FSU, it’s 1,000% percent better” over and over again wasn’t swaying him. He needed tangible proof.
Insert Urban Dictionary. After looking up the definition of the Montreal Steam Pocket “for research,” he decided to search UF.
Urban Dictionary defines the University of Florida:
He then searched FSU:
“Is this true?” Billy wondered, mouth agape at his computer screen while The Black Sheep staffers raided his parents’ cupboard. The internet then led Billy down the rabbit hole that is UF hate week.
He read about Will Grier, just suspended for the season for using performance enhancing drugs due to impotency (on or off the field…?). He read about how UF students have to pay for parking while FSU students don’t. He clicked on Playboy suspiciously already bookmarked on his computer, to see that FSU is ranked #3 on Playboy’s Top Ten Party Schools, while UF is so lame they didn’t even make the cut (yikes). He listened to Marco Rubio’s comments on our education system, then listened to Prez Thrasher put that p.o.s. in his place.
Given the copious amount of information on the Gator Nation Billy promptly made the decision to attend FSU in the fall and will no doubt have the best four years of his life here. “Just like Robert Frost once said,” Billy said as The Black Sheep braced ourselves for whatever philosophy this 18 year old was about to utter, “‘Two roads diverged in a wood, and I chose the kickass one.’”
As we left, Billy once again covered his pants tent while setting a new background of Osceola stabbing a gator.