Do you have an overactive digestive track? Does letting one rip bring you insurmountable joy and satisfaction? Do you eat Chipotle a couple times a week? If so, you’re probably familiar to the art of farting. Farting is 100 times more satisfying when you’re on campus because it’s a subtle way to get back at your professor for crapping all over your social life. Here is a list of the best places to be on Florida State’s campus when you’ve gotta toot.
4.) Strozier Library:
Stressing about finals directly correlates with farts. It is scientifically proven that the harder your major, the more you flatulate, which directly correlates to the more they smell which means you have less friends. Fact: Strozier is the prime location for your academic breakdown butt burps because it already smells like disappointment and rotting brains in there. While we encourage you disperse your airs amongst the six floors equally, we recommend you not fart in the basement. Those nerds will shush you faster than you can say “air biscuit.”
3.) Heath and Wellness Center:
The Wellness Centers holds the number two spot on this super factual list due to its overwhelming resemblance in scent to a dentist office. Since the inside of this building smells like rubber gloves, there is absolutely no way on Earth your fart will go noticed. If passing a booty bomb in silence makes you nervous, hit the treadmill at the gym in this building. Run like the wind while releasing some wind.
Since the entire first floor smells like sweat and frat boy hormones, the Leach is basically heaven for frequent butt trumpet players. Not only will the odor mask any scent your patootie produces, but the sound of overdramatic men grunting as they lift will ensure nobody hears a peep. Pro tip: fart on the machines you want to use and tell anybody who wants to said machine how you just marked your territory. 9/10 chance they’ll walk away.
AKA farty freshmen central. Since most on campus food smells like fart, you should just go ahead and blast that booty bazooka near the pizza, the fries, the soda, the dessert and yes- the cheeses. Literally cut the cheese. Let one rip. Mrs. Killings approves.
And for the frisky farters, here are two bonus locations:
Financial Aid Office:
Fart whenever they aren’t helpful. You’ll basically just crap yourself.
Sorority Houses on Jefferson:
Fart every time you walk by a house that didn’t give you a bid. The most satisfying revenge comes in the smell of butt brownies.
Ever wonder why your b-hole stings after a night of boozing? Here’s your definitive guide to D.A.D.S.