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Bobby Bowden’s Butthole’s Corner ~ Midterm Season Stress Relievin’

Hey reader! Welcome to the Bobby Bowden Butthole Corner: It’s hard to experience all the hubbub of campus life from down here, in Bobby’s crocheted corduroys on the piano bench of the Palm Spring Garden Villa Retirement Center, but from the smell of things, it seems to be that spring midterms are right around the corner for our Florida State Seminoles.

Ah, Midterm Season: a time of maximum-power-stress for largely inexperienced, but spirited, adolescents. I can vaguely recall the days where Bobby-boy and I had to take midterms back at Howard College (Go Bulldogs). Most of our midterms were sports, which were fun (yippee ki-yay!), but for the few that were of the academics, I remember some hours of sweaty, sweaty darkness. Poor Bobby, he gets the shakes when he’s nervous. And that sure doesn’t help our mild IBS.

If you’re asking a caboose for his advice, well I have some for you. Midterms are an important time in a young man’s college track, no matter what sport you play. But there’s no need to get too excitable. Read on to learn how to de-stress during the mid-semester period, from your neighborhood buttocks.

Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize:
There’s nothing worse than a chapped anus (or any other hunk of skin for that matter). And there’s nothing more relaxing than patting yourself down with some lightly scented (vanilla mahogany is my go-to) lotion. Once you’re all buttered up, you can squeeze behind the little desk to get your bum-bum down in one of those rickety chairs with ease.

Letting out that nervous dookie:
Literally relieve yourself before any and all exams– this one’s imperative to de-stressing. Drink your lemon water first thing when you rise, fetch yourself the morning paper, sit yourself down on the commode, and let your rump pump it out. He’ll take it from here.

Avoid spicy foods:
Please for the love of God, avoid your peppers and pastes like the plague. These boys’ll burn your insides worse than acidic fruit juices could corrode them. Make things easier on pals like me. Prevent ulcers, prevent hemorrhages, prevent constipation, and prevent anal fissure by trading out that hot tamale for a PB&J. I’ve been there, and I sure hope Bobby never takes me back.

With these three tips from a wise ole Christian tuchus (serving Florida State legend Bobby Bowden for 88 years and counting), midterm season should be utterly stress-free. Before you know it, football season will be up and runnin’ and you’ll have no worries in the world. Good luck, Seminoles.

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