These Book Aren’t Banned, But Wow They Should Be!

author-pic at Florida State University  

Banned books week: an annual event celebrating the freedom to read whatever the hell you want. Whether that content includes BDSM porn, Shakespeare, or graphic novels about a fat dude in underpants, you should never accept the man’s ban on the written word. Well, we won’t stand for it anymore. Here’s a list of books that aren’t banned, but very well should be.

6.) The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle:
This dude obviously has an eating disorder. He’s a binge-eater that shows no remorse, and that’s just not a lesson that needs to be taught to the little ones.

5.) The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein:
This illustrated children’s book demonstrates the unhealthy co-dependence between a boy and a tree. And the boy is the worst friend ever– he takes and takes from the tree and gives nothing in return, offering kids horrible advice about relationships.

4.) The Curious Researcher 4th Custom Edition for Florida State University:
Fuck these special FSU edition textbooks. All of them. They’re barely any different than the regular ones you can buy used on Amazon. Your teachers just want you to spend $125 on one paperback because it’s “tailor-made” for the students- and they probably get a nice slice of the dough.

3.) Through My Eyes by Tim Tebow:
No one gives a shit. Why would anyone want to read anything written by a dude who 1.) played for UF and 2.) literally can’t keep a job to save his life? Football, baseball, broadcasting… just fucking pick one so they can stop saying your name on TV.

2.) Discovering Human Sexuality, 3rd Edition (paperback):
This text is an “introduction to the study of sexuality and the diverse ways in which it brings joys and challenges to our lives.” It includes boxes, illustrations, and FAQs– so basically you pay to get a textbook full of dick pics. Why should anyone pay for that when they can sign up for Tinder, put their Snapchat name in their bio, and receive live-action diagrams for free?

1.) Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne:
The crème-de-la-crème of horror stories. This novel glorifies psychological disorders. Winnie is an overindulgent bear with a serious eating disorder, Piglet is afraid of his own shadow, Tigger most definitely has ADHD, Eeyore is depressed as hell, and Christopher Robin is a schizophrenic. Maybe not the lightest book for three year olds to enjoy (or college students for that matter– we’re way more fucked up than toddlers. #Triggered).

Who cares that classics like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Catcher in the Rye, and Harry Potter are fighting for a spot in libraries when blatant atrocities like these are still allowed in the hands of our youth? We should be protesting real problems (like this) instead of horseshit like global warming and racial inequality! 

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