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Booze Review: Heineken Lager

Let’s face it, post-grads… the suburbs are looking pretty good right now, aren’t they? No, they’re not? Well, tough titties, buckeroos, because that’s where you’re heading back to this summer, job or not. Unless you’re stopping by a rogue liquor store on the long, lonesome road back home, you can expect to be treated by mom and dad to their deliriously middle-aged beer selection. In preparation for the inevitable trek back, here’s at least one The Black Sheep editor’s definition of “dad beer.”


Smells Like: Light swill, but not Coors Light swill. You’re an adult now. Standards exist, jabroni. The whole, “Oh, well, I wasn’t buying this time,” excuse won’t cut it anymore.


Tastes Like: Hollandaise sauce. But not really. We just thought, you know, with the whole “brewed in Holland” thing… okay, let’s see you write a better joke, asshole.


Typical Drinkers:
– The all star golfing team over at the local “whatever” firm.
– People who parade around in board shorts but still can’t get the hang of the whole “socks with Crocs” thing.
– Definitely not Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet. Jesus Christ, anybody but Dennis Hopper.
– Your exceedingly generous father, lord praise him for trying.


User Comments:
– “How’s the Porter account looking, Anderson?”
– “This is the most passive aggressive beer I’ve ever had the mixed pleasure of tasting.”
– “T-thanks, Dad…”


You’ll Like This if You Like: Playing it relatively safe because, you know, putting the kids through college is rough.


Best Described as a Quote from Said Dennis Hopper Character in David Lynch’s Classic Thriller: “You know what, friend? I completely support your choice in lager. I may prefer the taste of Pabst, but hey, different strokes, chum! Now, help feed me oxygen while I have a psychopathic episode.”


What Your Father Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “So, uh… did you, uh… how’s the job search, kiddo?”


Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Grilled hot dogs, off-brand tortilla chips, a waning sense of drive.

Canned, Bottled, or Draft: Bottled, because the world needs more support for beers that adopt the “Shrek Green #6015” hue.

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