Featured Blackboard Student Attacks Paparazzi Outside Campus Chili’s
Josh Burns, Blackboard’s newest featured student who “takes government experience to the White House,” attacked a paparazzi cameraman this morning after being allegedly “pushed way too far.” FSU administration will come to a decision this week about his status as a temporary campus star.
David Ramos, the victim of Burns’ violent outburst, has reported that he will be suing for damages to his camera and mental well-being.
“I was only doing my job and he called me a ‘camera bitch boy’ and then smashed my camera,” Ramos stated, “Mr. Student Government isn’t the sparkle-eyed model student that you see on the Blackboard homepage.”
Students in the Union Chili’s booths recorded the altercation, and it was immediately uploaded to the campus snapchat. Once Burns noticed that he was being filmed, he burst into the restaurant and attempted to take the phones from customers.
FSUPD was quick to respond to the emergency blue light distress signal and detained Josh Burns, who was trying smash one of the Chili’s tablets with a steak knife when police arrived at the scene. Police Chief David L. Perry restrained Burns while he reportedly roared at the students that were filming the altercation.
“Fame does a lot of things to a man’s head. It’s hard to remain grounded when you’re a Blackboard featured student,” Chief Perry commented, “I’ve been policing this campus for a long time. I’ve seen a lot of good ones turn bad from the pressure, like that girl who donated her financial aid to building that retirement home after hanging out with old people for so long.”
If Blackboard is ever “under maintenance” in the near future, it’s only to buy more time to cast a new featured student for their homepage.
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