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FSU’s Francis Eppes Statue To Be Removed And Replaced With Statue Of Roseanne

Following a recommendation by the President’s Advisory Panel on University Namings and Recognitions in early May, Florida State University has decided to remove the controversial statue of Francis Eppes. The statue, which sits on a bench in front of Westcott Fountain, will be replaced with a sculpture of television’s latest racist Roseanne Barr.

“The controversy surrounding the Francis Eppes statue was really getting old,” said Jordan Calloway, a Tallahassee native, “luckily, there’s a new racist in town to take his place.”

Francis Eppes, the grandson of Thomas Jefferson, is known as the “father of Florida State University,” having donated the land that the school was built on. Eppes was a well-known slave owner in Leon County, and many Florida State University students have spoken out against his commemoration on campus.

“I’m glad to see the Francis Eppes statue go. We have too many statues of men on campus, anyway. It’s time to give women a spotlight in history!” said Calloway, who is also the president of Tallahassee Feminists United.

Roseanne, whose popular television show was recently cancelled after a series of racist tweets, has become the most well-renowned racist of the year. As shocking as it was to see Roseanne actually face punishment, she has been regarded as a victim of censorship.

“I’m excited to see her sitting on that bench in the near future. I was disappointed that Francis Eppes might be removed because I usually confess my sins to his statue, sins that I could never tell anyone else, you know? I feel better knowing Roseanne will be there to take his place,” said FSU senior Kaitlin Henman.

Early designs propose that the Roseanne statue be carved from ivory, directly sourced from African elephants, with blood diamonds from Sierra Leone to be used for her eyes.

Eppes Hall, the building named in the slave owner’s honor, sits directly behind the statue. It will likely keep its name until another fan of racial discrimination comes along to overshadow his contributions to the school.

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