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What The Fuck Is Actually In A Gordos Smash?

A question for the ages, an experience you’ll tell your grandkids about, and a drink you’ll never order again. We’ve all been there– a laid-back Friday night, just wanting to eat a dope ass meal and maybe get a little buzz going before going to bed and dreaming of sweeter things like graduation and the 2013 National Championship. But here’s where you went wrong: ordering a Gordos Smash. Those things suck the kidney out of you and make even the strongest of “men” call their best bros asking for a ride home and a bucket to yak in while whispering, “what happened?” into their hands.

We think the better question is: what the fuck is in a smash anyway? There are allegedly 4 types of rum in it, so we took the liberty of assuming which ones.

Bacardi Black:
How else would the strange mixture of tar and tobacco find it’s way on to your tongue?

Spiced Jack No. 94:
Curious as to why the holy hell you’re spinning after one sip? This 94-proof rum sends a swift kick straight to the tonsils (and the asshole).

Bacardi Silver:
This shit tastes like someone bottled the part of the Gulf of Mexico where the BP-Oil spill occurred and then sold it off to cheap college kids.

Rumhypnol:
In what world does one drink cause a grown man to lose control of his bowel movements while he’s shlumped over a 4×4 table with a face full of Gordos Sauce? We’ll tell you. A drugged one.

Alcohol rum:
This one gets you drunk, that’s for sure.

Orange juice:
Ah yes, their feeble attempt at masking the deadly mix of liquors while trying to pump Vitamin C into your failing organs. Yum!

Pineapple juice:
Thought your stomach wasn’t acidic enough? Think again! Gordo wants each and every one of you to feel like you’re on a tropical vacation, and what better way than to get a sunburn on the inside?

Grenadine (red rum):
There’s no reason this needs to be included in this drink. Its only purpose is to provide a rich, red coloring so it won’t look suspicious when you start shitting blood.

Asphalt:
The cherry on top of a delicious concoction is, of course, the sugary rim.

Is this an authentic Cuban cocktail? We’re not sure. But for $10, you can get SMASHED (read: way drunker than you intended). 

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