TALLAHASSEE – In a sudden and unprecedented move, President Thrasher decided to immediately cease all functioning of Greek organizations on FSU campus. The sweeping display of power comes from recent, unfortunate news by yet another death due to social pressures to binge drink that is particularly prevalent in fraternities and sororities. No longer having anything to affiliate themselves with, Florida State Greeks find themselves without a scapegoat on which to blame their shitty behaviors.
“When I used to get into class drunk ‘n just sleep through the whole thing then steal notes from a former brother before the exam, people’d look at me and just say ‘well he’s in a frat and that’s what frat boys do,'” said James Thompson, senior and former member of the FSU Greek community. “Now it’s like, well what do I tell people when they want me to ‘stop dancing so aggressively’ or ‘stop talking [their] girlfriends?’ That I’m just a fuckin’ privileged dickhead who’s never faced any sort of consequences for my actions? Please.”
Other members of the Greek community continue to fight for relevance under the guise of donations raised, something apparently only done by Greeks and no other group on campus. “Listen we raised like a million dollars by tabling last year. That all went to like, charity,” said Andrea Jablonski, a sophomore at FSU. “So I’m pretty sure that’s enough money to make up for all the times I puked all over some old guys’ shoes at Piccadilly.”
Thompson did express hope of a future for FSU students: “If any Greeks out there want to join a group of drunk assholes, there’s The Black Sheep I guess.”
For now, former fraternity and sorority members will have to look within next time they’re questioned about trashing a party bus to Painted or snorting a Y-bomb so everyone stops yelling their name.
It won’t be an easy transition for all the Chads, Brads, and Chads, who’ll now have to explain their drunken debaucheries with something other than “we’re jus bros bein’ bros”, but it sure will take some pressure off the real Greeks in town.
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