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Man Who Can’t Pronounce “Gentrification” Announces Student Housing in French Town 


To almost no one’s surprise, the city of Tallahassee voted to continue destroying cool things with history and culture at a recent commissioners’ meeting, and instead replacing it with important buildings like parking garages and rooms for students to hot box.  


Plans to level townhouses and small businesses in the French Town area of Tallahassee persisted in what some residents are saying is an ongoing problem.  


When asked about the influence it may have on the non-FSU students that live in town, President John Thrasher lamented, saying,


“Why do people keep throwing me under the bus for this? They keep saying I’m ‘Jen-trifying’ Tallahassee, but I don’t even know a woman named Jen. Why can’t anyone see I’m the victim?”  


French Town holds most of Tallahassee’s strongest history with being the oldest black neighborhood in the state of Florida, hosting the bus boycotts during the Civil Rights Movement, and encouraging the growth of culture that doesn’t center around binge-drinking or blowing sick vape clouds with your boys.


Despite the protests from the community and a few outsiders, FSU is planning on continuing their development outside of the university area, furthering the gentrification that Tallahassee has been experiencing in the past several years. 


“What’s the big deal?” said one FSU student while drinking Y-bombs at The Wilbury and putting off doing his Spanish homework for the 3rd week in a row. “Doesn’t everyone love shiny windows that you can see your sick fade in? I wish there were 12 Madison Socials in a row so I wouldn’t ever have to learn about the world through experiencing different cultures. What is this, a humanities class?” 


Student housing is set to expand in French Town soon.


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