BREAKING: New Starting FSU Quarterback Very Tall
After Saturday’s devastating loss, FSU fans and players collectively learned quite a bit about our season so far; our offense is stagnant, Chief Osceola seems to have grown his bangs out, and boy oh boy, our new quarterback is really tall.
Just how tall is James Blackman, FSU’s 18 year-old starting quarterback? According to witnesses at the game last Saturday, Blackman could be seen drinking directly from the Powerade cooler, removing the lid before drinking as if it contained the only antidote to counteract his freakishly large stature.
“I honestly thought he was Jack Black from Gulliver’s Travels at first,” described freshman Jimmy Beans. “When he took off his helmet and began drinking from the cooler, I thought to myself, ‘now that is one tall hunk o’ man.’”
Other witnesses described Blackman as “ginormous” and “at constant risk for concussion,” making claims that his head collided with the edge of Doak Campbell stadium multiple times.
While he’s listed as only 6’5″ on his player profile, some students are inclined to believe that FSU may be trying to cover up their super-secret weapon.
“I saw Blackman when he was in New York last summer before the season started,” Laura Caplin told one of our reporters. “He was massive. Seriously, I saw him in that Toys R Us in Times Square, and his head could peak into the Lego section on the third floor. I saw him standing on his tippy toes so he could reach the last Hogwarts set in the back of the display.”
Our team has consisted of many tall players in the past, some even qualifying for the incredibly rare “really really tall,” but Blackman seems to have surpassed even our highest expectations. Though we seem to be unable to rely on him to do the little things like reading a defense, throwing to a player that is not his first option, or just throwing a ball in general. Those things don’t really matter in the sport of football. The one thing that does matter? Being really friggin’ tall.
As the season progresses, we anticipate Blackman to reach the highest of expectations. Some analysts predict that he may even set the record for highest height notch in the team garage, something that hasn’t been achieved since 1987 when Barry “Man I’m Real Tall” Knox originally set the record. We’ll continue to keep you posted as the story develops.
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