SōDOUGH, Tallahassee’s newest bakery, officially opened this last week leaving much of the city excited for the local business. However, some residents seem to be happier than others.
“I’m so heckin’ pumped!” exclaimed local KA brother, Niles River, regarding SōDOUGH. “I heard they’re going to serve donuts, so my brothers and I are stoked.”
When questioned about why the donuts themselves seemed to excite River and his brothers, River became shy and much less talkative.
“I don’t know, you know us guys,” he said, blushing. “Gotta have our donuts.”
According to anonymous sources, fraternity brothers associated with Florida State University aren’t just excited about the donuts but the holes inside the donuts.
“We just can’t get enough of holes in general,” explained one of our sources. “Trench holes, academic holes, the movie Holes, American Horror Story season 7, you name it. So when me and the boys found out there was a donut shop opening up that’s owned by the MadSo guys, we lost it.”
Research suggests that the brothers of Florida State may have a more sexual-based excitement over these donuts than the average Tallahasseean does. It doesn’t stop there.
“I’m not going to lie, I love donut holes,” admitted our anonymous source. “Sometimes I’ll bring them home and tell them I think I’m falling for them, only to call them a Lyft after I got full that night. I feel bad sometimes, but I want to be able to brag to my brothers about the number of holes I’ve had so I can’t let emotions get in the way.”
One anonymous brother confessed to us that he wasn’t even attracted to donut holes, but kept up the façade to please his fellow brothers.
“To be honest, donut holes never really got to me, I was always more of an éclair guy. Something about the shape… But I could never admit that to my brothers. I don’t think they’d be too accepting of me.”
While we weren’t able to get anyone on the record to admit to this donut hole dilemma, The Black Sheep is dedicated to getting the full story. If you have any information regarding this, please tweet us @blacksheep_fsu.
So? Which is it?