Third Salley Hall Fire Attributed to Hot Dorm Sex
Late last night, Tallahassee Fire Department received a frantic call about a fire started by hot dorm sex on the third floor of Salley Hall. Students were quickly evacuated from the premises and taken to nicer housing shelters like Wildwood and DeGraff.
“You could hear The Weekend blasting throughout the entire floor. Then about 15 minutes later there was smoke pouring out of room 301 and into the hallway, making the fire alarms go off”, freshman Stephanie Grant stated.
Fingers have been pointed at Johnny McPond, resident of room 301 and philosophy/women studies double major. After the dorm fire was extinguished, a copy of The Kama Sutra and several cans of Tag body spray were found in the wreckage of Johnny’s room.
This is the 3rd time that Salley has caught fire this year, causing a record high number of dorm transfer requests. FSU administration has promptly reacted by ignoring these requests. However, a new survey has been created to measure student’s satisfaction with each FSU dorm. Results will be analyzed 1 year from now, so administration has enough time to think about making changes for future students.
Fire chief Jerome Gaines responded to the sex related fire, “Sex is just hotter than it used to be. Kids have virtual reality headsets and internet pornography on iWatches. College sex is not as innocent as it used to be. I remember a simpler time when there were socks on doorknobs and sex mixtapes. There weren’t any fires to worry about back then.”
To prove that he has any influence on campus, FSU student body president, Nathan Molina, has proposed a sexual education incentive for future incoming Freshmen. He is currently working out the details for a new program that will prevent freshmen sex from getting too hot. The program teaches students to always have an awkward roommate in the dorm so that sex can’t become too fiery.
Luckily for Salley residents, finals week is approaching and students won’t have enough time to get liquored up and start fires with their lovemaking.
Ever wonder why your b-hole stings after a night of boozing? Here’s your definitive guide to D.A.D.S.