The 5 Layers of Finals Hell A.K.A. Marston Library

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With finals week quickly approaching, even campus’ least studious will be crawling out of the woodwork and making their ways into our libraries. During this sudden invasion, it’s important to understand your surroundings and create a plan of attack before entering the battle zone.

Layer 1: The Basement: 

The first and most populated ground to cover is the basement. Flooded by chatty group project members and the occasional homeless person playing solitaire on a desktop, the basement is by far the most chaotic place in the building. Despite all the mayhem, there’s always that one pretentious prick that seems appalled at the noise, and tries to tell the people at the table next to him to quiet down.

Layer 2: Home of Glacial Starbucks Employees:

Approaching the same level of pure hullaballoo is the ground floor. Notable for its snail-paced Starbucks, the ground floor is guarded by campus’ least mobile security guards, and somehow made it onto the list of destinations during a campus tour.

Layer 3: The Land of No Outlets:

When there are no empty tables in the basement, people tend to make their way to the third floor. This level contains about a billion windows, a thousand students, and one outlet somewhere over there in that corner. The lack of power sources on this floor allows you to race your laptop to see whose can die first. Odds are, it’ll probably be yours.

Layer 4: Shushers Haven: 

The fourth floor is like a terrifying kindergarten classroom. The entire level is separated into these haunting little cubbies that create nostalgia from the days you kept crayons in your cubbies instead of Smokin’ Notes and mediocrity. Echoes of “SHHH” can be heard through the air vents and tear stains can be found in the molding.

Layer 5: The Penthouse of Desperation:

The penthouse of Marston is home to only the most desperate of students. This floor discourages breathing, partially because it makes noise and partially because it isn’t even worth it anymore. It’s best to avoid eye contact with anybody because nobody up here has had human contact in three days and any type of interaction could provoke a breakdown.

Though Marston hosts some of the scariest and most aggressive characters of Gainesville, it’s still better than Lib West. If we all try hard enough, we’ll all fit, right?

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