7 Hells of Dania Beach, Florida

author-pic at University of Florida  

If you live in Florida, congratulations! You already know what Hell is like. If you live in lil’ ol’ Dania Beach, however, you probably have a more extensive working knowledge of how to actually function in Hell because you know about these smaller, more personal fits of the Devil.

7.) US-1:

The Canadian snowbirds are supposed to be gone after Easter, but for some reason they’ve decided to stick around a little longer this year. (And by little, we mean a whole frickin lot.) Because of this extremely unnatural phenomenon, driving anywhere on US-1 will likely take between two and three hours longer than it should.

6.) The Airport:

We don’t even know why it’s called Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport because it is literally in Dania Beach. Seriously, check the Snapchat filters to prove it. We Danians long for the days before the new runway, the construction, and the madness. Please make it stop!

5.) Daily Storms at the Pier:

No matter how strategically you choose your beach day, you will undoubtedly encounter a SoFla afternoon storm. They happen pretty much every single day and last a whopping 15 minutes. Pro tip: when you arrive, make sure you get a spot far enough from the screaming families and leathery olds, but close enough to the pier that you can quickly seek refuge underneath it when the time comes.

4.) The Kiddie Rides Outside of Jaxson’s:

 There’s nothing like the sweet sounds of children screaming and “Pop Goes the Weasel” on a permanent loop to make waiting in line for ice cream even more enjoyable. If you’re really lucky, you may encounter the end of a 7-year-old’s birthday celebration and witness the whole group of sugar-filled children run outside and frantically race onto the merry-go-round with three horses. Good thing they’re not your kids, right?

3.) Boomers (R.I.P.):

Where the Dania Beach Hurricane once stood tall and local children would beg to have their birthday parties every year, there remains only a hollow shell of Boomers. Rest in peace Boomers, the only actually fun place within the city limits. You may be gone, but you will certainly never be forgotten.

2.) The Brunch Buffet at the Jai Alai/Casino:

The brunch at the newly renovated Dania Beach Casino is mediocre at best. The place used to be just a wholesome Jai Alai, but the citizens of Dania decided to be greedy and add a casino. Jai Alai is a good, clean sport, and now the building is overrun by filthy gamblers and grandparents who love brunch. Ugh.

1.) Whenever the Bridge is Up:

Living east of the intracoastal has its perks, but the one major disadvantage is that you have to beat the drawbridge every time you want to go somewhere. When you inevitably miss the bridge, you might as well throw it into park because you’ll be sitting in your car for quite some time. Try to enjoy watching the two halves of drawbridge creep upwards and then back downwards about as slowly as your grandma walks from the kitchen to the bathroom.

This summer, while most people are sipping beer and finding their beaches, Danians will be reminded of their hells.

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