The 7 Hells of Miami-Dade, Florida

author-pic at University of Florida  

The city that gave us all Pitbull and gave way to Will Smith’s 90s hit “Welcome To Miami”, definitely has a reputation as being the place to be if you wanna party. There’s some truth to every myth, but the 305 is a much more interesting and special piece of the tire fire puzzle that is the state of Florida. Those who call Miami-Dade their home may know of a few things that make it their own little slice of hell.

7.) Drivers:
Ever experienced road rage even just as a passenger? If you’re looking for a place for this to become a regular occurance, look no further than the hellish roads of Miami. There’s nothing quite like driving down Bird Road and realizing that no matter how hard you may wish it, your road peers are just not at all privy to the world of using a blinker or driving at a vaguely reasonable speed.

6.) Santa’s Enchanted Forest:
Located at Tropical Park “off palmetto and bird road” just as the jingle in the early 2000s style commercial that feels as though it airs just about half a year round suggests, Santa’s Enchanted Forest is an integral piece of the cringe worthy experience that is being a Miami native. There’s nothing like spending way too much on just a small amount food poisoning and unseasonable Christmas cheer.

5.) Mosquitos:
They know no bounds. They talk smack about your mother. They must be stopped. These little pests aren’t just itchy, they’re everywhere. Despite whatever you probably saw on a Buzzfeed video about coating your skin in Cafe Bustelo to repel them, you can’t trust it to keep you from getting some bloodborne disease reminiscent of something from World War Z.

4.) Alfilador:
There’s nothing that makes you feel as though you’ve crossed into a liminal space more than a truck driving around the city that will sharpen your knives. What makes it even more special is the piercing sounds of off-brand ice cream truck music and a several year old recording of a man shouting the knife sharpening services he offers from what could only be a 50s era megaphone.

3.) The Transit System:
Wanna know when your next bus is? Expecting your bus to come on time? That’s not gonna happen. This unreliable system of buses each full of old men in guayaberas traveling from bakery to bakery is a sure way to make each and every trip of yours a grand adventure. After all, getting there is half the fun, and what could be more fun than just absolutely winging your every move.

2.) The Weather:
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to sit quietly in some nice soup? You’re sure to find out if you move to the great mother of humidity known as the city of Miami. The perpetual sauna makes any outing a great place for frizzy hair and those who love being sticky.

1.) The Lingo:
There’s nothing quite like the dialect that is present in Miami. It’s quick, it’s ridiculous, it’s grandiose. It also has a lot of roots in Spanish phrases, which don’t always translate to those not from the immediate area. If you’re from Miami, be prepared for the embarrassment that comes with explaining that “eating shit” means goofing around or wasting time, and not in fact, falling, or consuming literal poo.