The 7 Hells of Pembroke Pines, Florida

author-pic at University of Florida  

From Publix to Publix, Pembroke Pines seems like the perfect place to live to outsiders. But for those of you who grew up in the SoFlo town that doesn’t quite qualify as Miami, you know there are at least 7 things that make it a living HELL.

 7.) The heat:
Physically, Pembroke Pines is almost exactly like hell. At least Miami has the ocean breeze and the promise of soon being completely submerged underwater to stay cool. Pembroke Pines only feels secondhand, old croqueta wind as we make our daily excursions to Costco gas pumps and Pembroke Gardens.

6.) Pembroke Gardens:
A blessing and a curse, Pembroke Pines’ first and only outside mall is the most bustling hangout spot of the current decade (Muvico won the early 2000’s). It’s chockfull of obscure retail stores, close to a thousand restaurants, and Golf Galaxy, but it’s a city mystery to why it’s still so hard to find parking since Stir Crazy shut down. Each and every West Pines resident willingly risks a heat stroke (see: #7 above) when they drive on down to Pembroke Gardens for their Saturday fun.

5.) Pines Blvd:
The peak of rush hour on Pembroke Pines’ main road is from 7am-7am on weekdays. If you ever hear someone say this town is “siiiick” it’s because the streets need Mucinex.

4.) Pines Charter:
There are five campuses, one for every corner of the city, connected to Pembroke Pines’ renowned K-12 charter school. Education is cool, but if you’re lucky enough to make it off the waitlist and into the city’s coveted public school system, you’re studying with the same people for a quick thirteen years.

3.) Cookie cutter housing:
There’s nothing remotely scenic in Pembroke Pines, not even the architecture (not talking to you, Southwest Ranches) that sits shamelessly atop the former Everglades. Most people just close their eyes when wandering the city.

2.) The health concerns:
May showers bring April unsafe drinking water in Pembroke Pines. Boil your water or lick your sweat.

1.) Old People:
You can’t escape this no matter what Florida city you’re from. They’re taking their sweet time in front of you at the Publix register, they’re taking all the seats in your doctor’s waiting room, and they’re headlining your newspapers with their sex problems. Old people everywhere.

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