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8 Ways the New APIA Director Could Really F*ck Shit Up


After our former APIA disaster, we need to make sure that the new director doesn’t overstep his or her bounds. Applicants are now realizing just how much power they can have if they only reach out and take it. We did some research and found some of the ways that the new APIA director could really fuck shit up if they tried hard enough. 

8.) Make Students Your Personal Butlers:

Nothing says luxury like having personal servants follow you around, cater to your every wish, and make meals for you. Just be sure that whenever they get tired or weary of performing these tasks, you remind them that you hold their future recommendations and watch them squirm! If the previous director is any indication, no one will say anything until you no longer need them to do your bidding anyway.

7.) Constantly Remind People You’re the Director and Therefore Smarter:

Your new underlings and possible newcomers always appreciate when you tacitly remind them you’re the boss. Feel free to spice it up by calling them your pets as well, even patting them on the head for a treat. If anyone disagrees with you just keep in mind if they were so smart, they’d be in charge.

6.) Never Reveal How Much You’re Being Paid:

Even though this is an easily researchable fact, make others feel worthless by not revealing it when they ask. Arrogant remarks are also welcome here; for example, saying, “more than you’ll be making,” really amps up the hatred they’ll have for you. If someone does tell you how much they’re being paid, be sure to lobby for a raise next year.

5.) Organize Parades in Your Honor:

There is nothing better than a military parade to show the world your force, but for APIA you’ll need to show the university that you have a slightly deranged view of your own excellence. Select a date and make every member march in your honor. Bonus points if you can get them to sing a song about your greatness.

4.) Rule Through Nepotism and Favoritism:

If you have any friends or family members looking for a job, be sure to recommend them for the position—and make their connection to you internally known. If the press starts to ask, remember that vehement denial is your only option. The more allies you can fill the department with, the better chance you’ll have of staying in power.

3.) Create a Grand Scheme to Keep Your Job Forever:

Being in charge for a term (or until they find your misconduct) is one thing, but what if there is no possible way for them to get rid of you regardless of scandal. You need to create a plan to change legislation in order to make it impossible to remove you from your position. The more convoluted the plan, the better—just don’t tell anyone you’re doing it.

2.) Buy a New Wardrobe Using APIA Funds:

Whenever a new boss or big bad shows up, they always dress to impress. Be sure to funnel funds into a new wardrobe, even  if they’re out of the pockets of those you work with. Also, never wear the same overpriced outfit more than twice in public, this tactic really adds an air of superiority. If the money can’t help you amass a fortune why even apply, right?

1.) Lash Out at Enemies and Anyone Who Criticizes You:

The more you follow these various tips, the more hate and criticism you’ll receive; the best way to avoid this is simply to attack critics as well. This can be done through press statements, using other people to justify your madness or a simple tweet ending with a declarative sentence or word.

If you think you can handle not fucking shit up like the last director, apply now to become the new APIA Director!



WATCH: We hit the streets of Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day Parade to see how woke people were.


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