With fraternity rush right around the corner, guys are more desperate than ever to make an impression on their nights out. Dudes go into parties with the goal of getting phone numbers from every wide-eyed freshmen they see, eager to meet their quota before stumbling home. Their evening becomes a scene straight out of Animal Planet in which you, the graceful gazelle, are left helpless and vulnerable to a hormone-enraged lion who is ready to pounce. It can be easy to fall prey to these self-assured beasts—especially since your only means of defense is the tiny umbrella that came in your drink—but there are some easy steps to wiggle your way out of his claws:
5.) Avoid eye contact like the plague:
In the simple mind of the horny adolescent male, eye contact is an invitation. They interpret even the most unintentional glances as some sexy attempt at flirting, so don’t even look in their general direction once they find you. As in, literally close your eyes if necessary. Look at your phone, look at your watch, look at anything besides the one thing looking at you because once you lock in for more than three seconds you’re officially the evening’s target.
4.) Make like Waldo and blend in:
Disappear into the crowd as quickly and efficiently as possible. Hide in the least predictable spot, making this undesired game of cat and mouse that much more frustrating. This could either fuel him or discourage him, so try to switch it up every few minutes to the point where his aggravation leads him to the second option. If you run out of items around the room to hide behind, grab your tallest friends and claim them as your human shield. If all else fails find some glasses and a striped shirt and let him lose you in the crowd.
3.) Bore him to tears:
When his Spidey senses start tingling and you’re inevitably found and sucked into a seemingly never-ending conversation, be as unpleasant and uninteresting as possible. Model your behavior after the famous teen-angst icon, Tina Belcher, mumbling indistinguishably as your primary source of communication. Answer every question in the least desirable way possible, and make him question why he came up to you in the first place. Favorite color? Brown. Favorite movie? Sharknado. Favorite food? Saltines. Become the worst, least arousing version of yourself.
2.) Fake it ‘til you make it:
Tell him all about your dreamy, capable (and fictitious) boyfriend. The more intimidating the better. Create the man of your dreams then add more muscle, more brains, and more success. Make this kid piss his pants at the thought of confrontation with your almighty beau. You could always take the alternate approach and talk about your girlfriend, but that could provoke thoughts of a threesome and that’ll make him even more determined, and more difficult to shut up.
You can either physically spill your drink on him, forcing yourself into a sudden apologetic fit in which you scurry off to find him napkins to clean up the mess, then actually escape into your Uber. Or you could spill the beans about some deal-breaking flaw he just can’t see past. At this point, a shitty personality and conflicting relationship status haven’t shut him down—so you might have to get creative. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Tell him you’re pregnant. Tell him you’re a descendant of Hitler. Tell him you keep a collection of your exes’ toenails in a mason jar under your bed. Anything to get him to go away.
While it’s unfortunate and endlessly irritating that this prick decided to ruin your night and make you feel uncomfortable enough to revolve your plans around avoiding him, it’s important to always have an escape route prepared for when the going gets gross.