The Winter Olympics are just a shittier version of the Summer Olympics that they throw in so we don’t have to wait four whole years to show the world that ain’t no country better than the good ole U.S. of A. You have to make the most of it while it’s here, which obviously means making up your own “events” since Florida doesn’t exactly have the proper terrain for whatever the fuck “slalom” is. Here are some ideas:
Scooter long jump:
All you need for this one is a scooter and no fear of bodily harm (plus, maybe a helmet). Find a nice, steep speed bump, build up a head of steam, and just send it. Whoever gets the most air wins. Also, whoever breaks the fewest bones wins.
The beerathalon combines the skills needed for cross-country skiing with marksmanship. Instead of skiing through the wilderness, you’ll be running back and forth in front of Midtown; and instead of a riflery skills you’ll need shotgun skills (beer shotgunning that is). This is the ultimate test of both physical and mental endurance; to be able to stomach multiple brews and also hold them down while they slosh around your stomach as you run is a true test of the human spirit.
(Smirnoff) Ice skating:
Just like the ice skaters you watch go round and round the rink at crazy speeds, you too will feel like you are spinning in circles. You, however, are going to feel like that from a combination of oxygen deprivation and cheap alcohol. For extra challenge make sure those Ices are real cold so they’re that much harder to chug.
Now you can make a game out of avoiding all the people flyering in Turlington. Just weave in out to try and get through all of Turlington without being guilted into taking a flyer from anyone. Fastest time wins, and a +2 second penalty is assessed for every flyer taken.
Get a longboard, find a hill, lay down on the board and try to not crash. Frat Row is a pretty good hill for this, just be sure to clear any Natty Light cans off of the course before starting.
Cross country skiers have the endurance to ski through miles and miles of difficult terrain. However, since you haven’t been for a run since middle school PE, that probably isn’t going to happen. Instead, you just have to get drunk at Midtown and stumble your way home, first one back wins. If you throw up you lose, and if you are caught cheating and taking an Uber you’re disqualified from the games.
Well what the hell are you waiting for? Go grab a few of your closest shithead friends and start competing for eternal glory. Remember kid, heroes get remembered, but legends never die.
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