This week there has been a line all the way from the infirmary to Norman hall with students reporting that they have scurvy. Coincidentally, this would send students home for the weekend, while Florida’s only famous pirate-related event goes on in Tampa. Totally, coincidental. Totally.
Jackie Olsen, a nurse at the infirmary said that this outbreak came as no surprise to her. “It’s typical for students to contract scurvy the weekend after they all have the flu or are recovering from a grueling hangover,” she said. “Especially this time of year.”
Overwhelmingly, 80% of the students in line for appointments were involved in Greek life. It also seems like a lot of them aren’t going to be in town for a follow up checkup this Sunday, while Gaspy is still going on.
Chad Jackson and Bailey Green were in line together and said they had made their appointment three days in advance to ensure they got doctors notes.
“Scurvy is the fungus one, right?” Green pondered as she was buying a bulk 500 pack of paper pirate hats on her phone. She said she always aimed for perfect attendance, and will be keeping up with that since her planned absence will be excused.
While scurvy is a virus caused by a lack of vitamin C, no one seems to actually know that. You might as well say you have a bad headache and get a note for that, but where’s the fun in that? At this point, nurses have begun passing out notes at the beginning of appointments to cut down on the wait time.
While students leave the infirmary, note in one hand and free Gatorade in the other, all of them seem to be very scurvy-free, and very ready to get lit as fuck.
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