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A Gator’s Guide to Pooping at UF

When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. BUT we’re here to inform you that there are alternatives to waiting in line for one of the dirty Turlington bathrooms—or the open stalled portals of hell that are the outside bathrooms of Little Hall.  Here’s your long awaited for guide to pooping at UF.

6.) Pooping in style: 

Right across the road from the lame restrooms of Turlington are the luxurious Newell Hall Bathrooms. On the first floor, you have your private single-stall bathroom that’s bigger than most dorm rooms. W O W.  As you make your way up to the 3rd (hers) and 4th  (his) floors, you’ve reached the height of luxury. These bathrooms are aesthetically pleasing with their marbled interior and lack of humans using them, 10/10 poop experience.

5.)Don’t forget to take a selfie after you take a shit:

Don’t miss out on the Reitz Union bathrooms for your pooping needs. While these see a little more foot traffic, they’re definitely worth it. They’re clean, convenient (especially after downing some Pollo and a venti Sbux vanilla iced coffee) and home to the perfect mirror wall for all your bomb AF bathroom pics. Gotta show the wold you still look cute even after you make the place smell like tiny little turds.

4.) Dangit, where’s my book?

Everyone seems to sleep on Matherly’s 3rd floor bathrooms. Just like that one Christmas poem, there’s “not a creature stirring, not even a mouse.” On the note of reading, the stalls are covered in juicy campus graffiti, providing some entertaining reading for the hot minute you’ll be in there.

3.) Okay, they’re not all portals:

Little Hall is technically a hit or miss when it comes to bathrooms. Some are literally the most disgusting bathrooms that have ever existed ever, but if you go towards the private bathrooms closest to the parking lot you’re in for a treat (they lock!!!!). Poop in peace without feeling like you have to hover to avoid a nasty rash. 

2.) Who is she?:

We had no idea Gerson Hall even existed until venturing out to find the best bathrooms of campus. Accounting students, y’all are living the life of luxury when it comes to your afternoon poops. Soak up the privacy and get your taxes done while you’re reading the Wall Street Journal.

1.) Code Number 2:

The most prestigious of places to poop is definitely the President’s Office. Now, how the hell are you going to get in there since Tigert Hall is the most secured area on campus? Well that’s a stealth mission waiting to happen. Break in; live in the height of luxury for 5 minutes until you’re escorted out with pants around your ankles. #WorthIt

Where’s your favorite place to take a poop? And don’t say FSU, we just ate a shitton of Pollo and definitely DO NOT HAVE TIME.

And without further ado, we give you A VINE POWER HOUR.

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