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Here’s What Everyone at UF Thinks of You When They See Your Stupid Scooter

Everyone whips around Gainesville on a scooter, it’s a fact. That’s why you can never get a damn spot without having to move someone else’s scooter and burning the shit out of your leg in the process. While no two scooters are exactly the same, there are some general ~categories~ that nearly all of them can be lumped into, and in doing so their owners are lumped together too. While you may think your scooter makes you unique, you’re not. You’re just a shithead like everyone else. Here’s what your scooter says about your clearly terrible personality:

The brand new, not a scratch on it, scoot:
Driven by either a girl named Rachel or a guy named Connor, either way it was Daddy’s money that bought it from New Scooters 4 Less. You made sure he bought the most expensive warranty so you’d never have to fix it yourself. Go snort your $80 g of blow and skip your class in the morning, ya piece of shit.

The frat/srat rocket:
Oh you know the one. It’s the one with Greek stickers on the side. This model only comes in two colors: black for dudes, and that one teal color for girls. Stop by Lib West any time of the week to see 50 of these bad boys parked outside, all probably at an angle to take up as much room as possible with the handlebar lock on so you can’t move them. If this is you, you’re literally just a huge asshole. You’re the type of person to kick one over when you’re trying to get your scooter out of a tight spot and leave it. Thanks for that!

The loud pack:
You hear this scooter coming long before you see it. It sounds like the screech of a thousand dying chickens. If this is what you drive, then you’re a lazy garbage dump of a human. Either get it fixed or walk to class; quit making others suffer because of your many shortcomings.

The bucket o’ bolts:
This is a scoot that was bought off of Craigslist from a sketchy guy missing a few teeth. It does its job and gets you where you need to go, you just have to kickstart it every time and one of the back blinkers is hanging by a single wire. You like to think of yourself as frugal, but really you are just a cheap-ass. Take your crappy scoot through the McDonald’s drive through and you’ll be right at home.

A dirt bike?
This is the lifted truck of 2 wheeled vehicles. Nothing says “I like to fuck my cousin in the mud” like driving one of these around.

A crotch rocket:
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the guy who puts on his full face helmet and leather jacket and climbs onto his rocket of a motorcycle. Say it with me, “comp-en-sa-tion.” Though this and dirt bikes aren’t technically scooters, they still park in scooter spots and take up an asston of space.

Whatever you drive, just know that in the limitless vastness of the universe, we’re all equally irrelevant living out lives that are barely a blip on the cosmic clock. And also, no one gives a shit what type of scooter you drive so get over yourself.

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