A Map of Midtown to Describe How We All Really Feel

author-pic at University of Florida  

Unless you enjoy waiting in long lines to get into hot, sweaty bars packed wall to wall with drunk idiots, we can all agree that Midtown fucking sucks. Google provides a very unbiased and objective look at the few blocks of concentrated nausea, but here is a map that will honestly answer any questions you may or may not have about the various spots around Midtown.

(Click on the image to make it larger!) 

judgmental-map-of-midtown

Murphree Area:

People that live here may say they like the location, but what they mean is that they’re glad a familiar toilet is right across the street for whenever they’re not drunk enough to use the bathroom at Balls. Communal or not, any dorm bathroom is better than the cleanest Midtown equivalent. Buckman Hall also serves as the pickup and drop-off location of freshmen that take SNAP to midtown—just in case you wanted a surefire way to pick out the drunk people you definitely want to avoid.

Grog:

Grog should seriously be renamed Gross because that’s exactly what it is. It’s basically a pool of sweat from the freshman girls packed in there like sardines and the tears from creepy ass old guys who just got rejected by one of said freshman girls. Oh, and to make it even worse, it’s upstairs and there’s NO elevator. For real, who decided that was a good idea??

Pita Pit/Relish:

Let’s be honest, Relish is the only part that truly matters to the drunks of Mid, but since Pita Pit is connected, it gets an honorable mention: Thanks for having enough seating and unpopularity to accommodate the overflow blackouts from Relish. All people want at 2 a.m. when they’ve finished drinking the bar dry is a greasy ol’ burger and maybe even some cheese fries if they’re feeling frisky. This is the ideal hangout spot for anyone who’s into people watching.

Cantina:

In addition to being known for its fishbowls, Cantina is notorious for taking fakes and dishing out MIPs. So if you dare to venture over there, you’d better be careful. Side note: weren’t they supposed to close like 4 months ago? Yeah, that’s what we thought. We’re all eagerly awaiting the day when Cantina finally closes its filthy doors and outdoor bar for good.

Library West:

Of course, if you find yourself partying (studying) at Midtown’s premier 24/7 club, you probably have bigger fish to fry than most of the other Midiots out there tonight, the biggest of which being that you’re a HUGE fuckin’ nerd!! Finals have been creeping up on you for a while now, but will any studying you’re doing now actually help you? Probably not. Stop being lame and go drown your sorrows in shitty beer and mixed drinks like a normal UF student.

If you go to Midtown, don’t just go to Midtown. Be an educated explorer, and be hyper aware of what your less-than-lovely surroundings actually are.