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A Judgmental Map of UF’s Frat Row

Spring rush is in full swing here at what’s left of the University of Florida’s Frat Row, and freshmen dweebs everywhere are scrambling to find some straight male friends. Since The Black Sheep prioritizes the needs of all you readers out there, we’re more than happy to say what everyone else is thinking and give you an honest preview of who your new friends may soon be. Here’s a more explicit map:


SoFlo:
For those days you want to take a trip to Miami without having to make the 6 hour drive.

Moyel Chai Club:
UF’s ONLY spot where you can get fucked up and still find someone to take you to Chabad.

Butt-chuggers:
Apparently this is a thing? Never really seen it done, but don’t necessarily want to either. Keep doin’ what you’re doin’?

MIA:
Amber Alert: This fraternity was kidnapped by construction, and no one’s heard from them since.

Surprisingly clean
Certifiably clean! So clean, you can (and many people do) do coke right off the counters — even on gamedays!

R.I.P.:
Confirmed dead.

House of God:
We’re pretty sure Jesus lives here and enjoys the occasional cold one with his boys.

SINnamon rolls:
With hands as kind and soft as a baby’s bottom, you, sirs, are just too sweet and pure for this world. But you sin by nature because, well, ya know.

Volume level: 2:
Gentle lovers? Maybe. Quiet ragers? Definitely.

MAGA:
No comment. No comment. No comment. No comment.

Total fuckin’ noobs:
Welcome to the party! We’re sure we’ll be loving you in no time.

Howdy, Neighbors:
Weren’t these the guys in that Seth Rogan movie?

Zookeepers:
We heard they keep a wild animal in their front yard. Who knows what they could have in the back??

No roof no rules:
Shouldn’t you guys, like…have a roof by now?

Who?:
[This space was left intentionally blank]

COOTIES: 
“Yeah, like, I just find it much easier to get along with guys than girls, Y’know? I cannot handle drama.”

Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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