Since yesterday’s start of the semester, students have been crowding South West Rec in an attempt to keep up with their New Year’s resolutions. As part of an ongoing effort to combat the masses, Student Government has recently installed mist machines to give students that perfect post-work out dewy look, without the workout.
Chad Thomas, one of the first students to test out the machines, said they work great. “Dad bods aren’t allowed at my frat, but I hate working out. The misters make it look just authentic enough for a quick snap, and my bros totally believe it! It’s dope,” he said.
Several of the employees were upset about the new machines, saying it took away job opportunities for unpaid interns and people who are on the shit list. However, every employee has undergone intense training so they can be prepared to properly use a spray bottle and mist students manually in the event that the machines break down.
SG says they hope the machines improve UF’s overall image by providing their students with the opportunity for “a better aesthetic on their Instagram”, thus attracting more followers as well as more potential new students.
As students pile into the gym and wait in line to test out the new equipment, the actual work out machines remain empty. Turns out we’re all the same trash in the new year.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: