The 7 Hells of Hialeah, Florida
Nine times out of ten if someone says they’re “from Miami,” they’re actually just from South Florida. If you go even further and actually ask, they’ll probably reveal their real hometown — Hialeah, the wonderful land of bumper to bumper traffic and Pitbull. If you’ve never heard of Miami-Dade County City of Progress before, let us introduce you.
7.) Publix Sabor:
Stop trying. Hialeah is known for small grocery stores that have been around forever. We’re not gonna overpay just because it’s “Publix”. Leave us and our bodeguitas alone.
6.) Westland Mall:
Westland is a long-established Hialeah staple, constantly disappointing us with a lack of stores we can actually shop at. They just got an H&M a few months ago, so that’s a step in the right direction, I guess. Westland is never going to be the hip hangout spot that Pembroke Lakes is, but it’s endearing to see they’re still trying.
5.) The Miami Lakes Snobs:
We have the same zip code and area code, it’s weird how they think they’re so much better than us. They may have Main Street, but we have the movie theater on 57th that isn’t expensive as hell. Miami Lakers, stop being so stuck up or we won’t let you come to our Sedano’s.
4.) Milander Park:
Home of high school football games and overpriced parking, if you were here you were 100% getting a second-hand high from the kids smoking under the bleachers or risking a disease from the nasty bathrooms. You might’ve garnered some good memories until it came time to leave and you were stuck in the parking garage traffic with everyone for 45 minutes.
3.) Chickens and roosters:
You will see more chickens than people roaming the streets of Hialeah. Is it because of Santeria? Yes. No doubt. Just ignore them and be on your way; they have a bigger purpose than you know.
2.) Red Road:
It’s never getting fixed. Ever. Y100’s Traffic Report will always end with, “and some traffic on Red Road so you might want to avoid that area.” How is it always so “congested”? Who knows. You just have to accept it and add on the extra hour to your daily commute.
1.) The Palmetto:
Nothing will give you greater anxiety than getting on the Palmetto, the golden ticket out of Hialeah. It’s always under construction, and you never know what lanes are changing and which forks in the road you’re going to run into. God forbid you get on it between the hours for 4 and 6 pm- then you’re just trapped there for eternity.
With all these shitty things, Hialeah still has a special place in our hearts. It might take three hours to get a mile down the road to your favorite bakery, but it’s worth it. Yo querio Hialeah.
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