How to Hide Your Sins During UF Family Weekend

author-pic at University of Florida  

UF family weekend is (hopefully) the only time of year that your parents delve into your new home and get a glimpse into your daily life. They sent their sweet baby angel off to college with high expectations and have only gotten to see your hard work pay off through FaceTime and texts Little do they know, they’ve only been exposed to the most censored aspects of your semester; they can’t even begin to imagine the kind of shit you’ve been pulling. Don’t panic, though, there are some ways to disguise your semester of sin for the three-day period.

5.) Train your sleep schedule:
Whether you’ve been up late at Marston or Mid, your parents aren’t going to like the idea of you staying up until 4 a.m. every night and waking up at 4 p.m. every afternoon. Set your alarm and start actually going to that 9:30 you’ve been blowing off since syllabus week. Your parents are going to want to take advantage of every waking moment with you this weekend, so try to be awake as much as possible—or else you’ll be hearing about it for the rest of the semester.

4.) Play dumb:
Relish is no longer the place to get drunken fries. For the next three days, it won’t be addressed as “Recovery Relish.” It has solely become the “pretty good burger place where you grab lunch sometimes.” Don’t let any sign of recognition come across your face when they ask if Copper Monkey is any good. You know longer know what any of the letters on frat houses mean, as you only pass them occasionally on your way to the gym. There’s a brother or two in your Intro to Business class, but you haven’t seen them outside of your study groups.

3.) Disguise the alc:
You’ve been able to hide your handle from your RA for the past month, but your parents know you better. They dealt with your sneaky ass all through high school which means they know your tricks, so you’ll have to get strategic. Hide bottles in the pile of sweaters you’ll never need. Hollow out your Good Life books to hide your lighters in. Make fake labels for your beer cans reading “Gator Juice” and claim it’s a new energy drink the chemistry department is trying out.

2.) Take down all your summer pictures:
Evidence is killer. In college, the only people who see your room are those you invite in, so you don’t care if it’s messy or profane. This weekend though, the school has taken the liberty of inviting your two biggest critics into your sacred space. This kind of exposure means some serious alterations to your dorm, starting with the blurry pictures with blatant red Solo cups hanging above your desk. Dragging emojis over your hands won’t work like it does for Instagram, so use your printer to replace them with family photos from over the years and the one sober picture you took on game day.

1.) Play mad libs with your stories:
They are your parents, so they’re inevitably going to ask for stories from your semester. You’re a college student and MUST be busy considering how many phone calls you’ve neglected to answer. Don’t fret—simply censor the shit out of your life. When telling your parents a story, replace any names of the opposite sex with those of your hall mates. Any reference to beer will be replaced with a soft drink of your choice. Bar names should be substituted by those of the various study rooms in Marston. They won’t question why Becky left her ex a twelve-minute voicemail in Club West. Just be smart about context.

When preparing to take on the weekend you’ve been dreading since move-in day, just remember: you haven’t flunked out, so you can’t be a total disappointment to your family. Yet.