Pi Kappa Alpha senior Logan Thomas expressed his apathy regarding Category 5 Hurricane Irma Tuesday evening, as he browsed the unthreatened stockpiles of Powerade and whey protein at the crowded Walmart.
Thomas, possibly misunderstanding the Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale spectrum, is not even slightly worried about the ominous storm headed for Florida.
“Dude, all these dumb pledges and girls think it’s like the apocalypse here. Look, that’s my freakin’ teacher!” said an amused Thomas as a middle-aged woman hurried toward the cashier with the store’s last case of water. “Hurricanes hit us every year and everyone’s always freaking out, but I’m just chillin’.”
The hurricane, which forced the entirety of Florida into a preemptive state of emergency, is said to have the strongest recorded winds in the Atlantic to date.
“Like, are you kidding me? I ain’t scared of no ‘canes,” continued Thomas. “Miami is ranked number eighteen in the NCAA, they have no chance against us. Besides, I only fuck with tens,” he smirked while eyeballing his own biceps.
When reminded that this ‘cane is in reference to the impending Hurricane Irma, for which Miami Beach is planning historical evacuations, Thomas claimed his only worry is finding a willing “Tinder bih” to leave her house and “chill” with him this weekend.
“The lowest I’ll go is a seven,” added Thomas, his mind likely still on females rather than the category 5 hurricane. “Anything lower than that isn’t worth my time–“
“Unless we’re talking about the Gators,” chimed in his friend and fraternity brother, Chad, who apparently missed the first football game of the season. “Number three, baby!”
As students prepare for Irma, they recall last year’s category 3 Hurricane Hermine, which caused destructive fallen trees and days long power outages.
“My boys and I threw this freakin’ rager in the house for the last one. We’re forever grateful for that storm ‘cause we needed the lights out anyway,” said Thomas.
For now, school is still in session in Gainesville as students, faculty, and probably the government officials keep a watchful eye on the weather channel. Stay safe, Gators.
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