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University of Florida Accepts Own Sloppy Seconds by Rehiring Dan Mullen

On November 26th, a mere 24 hours after the University of Florida football team lost pitifully to long-time rival Florida State, the University announced the name of the person who would replace Jim McElwain as Florida’s head football coach. After weeks of speculation about who the new coach would be, many Florida fans were shocked to see a familiar face: former head coach Dan Mullen will be returning to coach the Florida Gators football team.

“I don’t want to seem bitter, but, like, are you freaking kidding me?” asked an outraged and clearly bitter McElwain upon hearing the news. “Like, good for you UF, crawling back to your ex like that! Enjoy your own sloppy seconds, assholes.”

Although no romantic relationship can be confirmed between the university and any of its football coaches, past or present, McElwain’s outburst has sparked some interest into the relational aspect of the position.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there was actually something there,” remarked 4th-year student and conspiracy theorist John “JJ” Jacobs. “I mean, it’s called the head coach for a reason, right?”

To gain some more insight into the mechanics of how such a relationship could work, The Black Sheep turned to sex and relationship expert Lola Diamond.

“It’s quite simple, actually,” Diamond explained. “The football team had not been thriving under McElwain, proving that they just couldn’t do any better than Mullen. Consequently, they and Mullen reconnected. I don’t see what’s so hard to understand.”

Although the Florida Gators appeared content with McElwain, it seems as though he was not able to satisfy their needs as well as Mullen had in the past.

“I was really trying to be hotter than UF’s ex and better than their next,” lamented McElwain. “But I guess I wasn’t either of those things after all.”

This is an ongoing news story and will be updated as necessary.

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