With finals around the corner, Patriots are in the last stretch of hell before the long-awaited winter break. And each day that passes is a countdown to GMU experiences that every student dreads and will absolutely not miss when they’re back home. Oh, there’s truly no place like home for the holidays, but the holidays are so damn far away. Here are the top 10 things all Patriot will not miss for the month they get to spend away from campus.
10.) Everyone and their mother trying to talk to us in North Plaza:
Sometimes we just want to sulk in peace about finals without any disruptions. We don’t want to see abortion signs surrounding the clock tower, and we don’t want to take your breast cancer ribbons. We just want to walk through untouched, unbothered, and be at peace with the fifteen minutes of sleep we got last night.
9.) Ike’s and other lovely dining hall experiences:
The dining halls do this thing where they are like, “Pay us five dollars in addition to your meal swipe for a slightly above average meal.” We just came here for the unlimited pizza and the salad bar with greens more limp than grandpa’s dick. Mason students live off of pizza. That’s why we have like three different places on campus to find pizza.
8.) The preacher telling us we’re whores:
We know that we are whores. We just don’t need to be reminded in each of the fifteen minutes between all of six classes we have on a Wednesday. But thank you, North Plaza preacher for condemning me to hell for being a whore for wearing a t-shirt in forty degree weather.
7.) The bipolar NoVA weather:
Welcome to Virginia and the most polarizing weather in the United States. Today, we got freezing rain all day. Tomorrow it’ll probably be seventy degrees with a breeze. On Saturday, it might even snow.
6.) The traffic jam when class starts in five minutes:
It’s like in that song, “Ironic” – traffic jam when you’re already late.
5.) Cramming for finals:
This one is for every college student, but especially Mason students because we have some of the hardest finals. We have two hell weeks. The last week of classes before our fake-ass “reading days”, where professors assign every last-minute thing they feel is necessary to make our lives just as depressing as drinking beer at The Rat. Then after these fictional reading days, we get three finals for three different classes on a Monday, all at completely opposite parts of campus.
4.) The line at Panera:
Panera’s list of names is divided into two categories: Naughty or “preparing” and Nice or “ready.”
2.) The walk to class:
The weather, the length, and the hills all make walks to class the only workout you’ll need for the week. Mason students are ranked number one on the sexiest legs in the country for how much we walk. You’re getting out of class from Innovation Hall and need to get to Merten Hall in ten minutes? Better hustle those sexy legs a mile across campus and feel that burn.
2) Lawnmowers waking us up:
Still not over being woken up at 7 am every day. Still think all the grass on the entire campus needs to be doused in gasoline. After finally falling asleep after busting ass on a paper you procrastinated on for weeks, the roar of lawnmowers becomes a thing of nightmares.
1.) Laundry room warfare:
All is fair in detergent, dryers and washers. Better camp out by sitting on top of one of those washers if you want to have clean underwear for the week. God forbid you leave for five minute and someone has touched your clothes with their peasant hands.
And now comes the part where we create a Patriot prayer circle in North Plaza to beg God to get us through these next two weeks.